All By Myself...

My husband is leaving in seven hours and thirty-two minutes. For two weeks. Ten days, to be more precise, but for all practical purposes, two weeks. He'll come home for four days and then leave again. And this 10 days gone, 4 days home, 10 days gone, 4 days home, 10 days gone cycle will continue pretty much indefinitely. And I support him and our decision to do this 100%, but that doesn't make saying goodbye much easier. I usually don't like to post my raw, unedited, emotional thoughts on my blog, but today, it just seems the right way to express my current feelings.

I know I should feel blessed that my husband has a job, a very good job, that so far he really enjoys. I know I should feel thankful that I am married to a hard-working man who is so committed to providing for us. I know I should be glad he isn't in the military and that we won't be separated for months on end. I know I should be reminding myself that this is temporary. I know I should appreciate these things, and I do. I really do.

But right now, it hurts. Right now, I don't care if I sound like a big, whiny baby. I don't want him to be gone for two weeks, and I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be away from him for even one night. I know what it's like when half of me is in another state in a hotel and I'm...here. I know my identity is not so tied to him that I'm not my own person, but being separated still feels...wrong. And I hate it.

We will be okay. Rest assured. I know the absence will make our hearts grow fonder, and I know we can see each other via FaceTime almost every night...which will be the best part of our days. I will keep reminding myself that this is temporary. He won't be doing this traveling gig forever. Our best estimate is that he'll be doing it for two years. And having an end date (no matter how accurate it is) totally helps. Because if I thought for a second that he would be gone every two weeks for the next thirty years, I would not be able to let him go.

We can do this. I can do this. My days will be busy and full of spending time caring for my niece. Some will fly and others will drag. I will feel independent and bold some days and timid and scared on other days. I will have girls' nights and my Financial Peace class. I will have Pinterest and movies and crafting and blogging and designing. I will have church and Jesus.

But it will still be hard.
I'm not ready, and I never will be. But I will be okay.
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"I lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." - Psalm 121:1-2 NIV (emphasis added by me)

I lift my eyes up unto the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth

Oh how I need You, Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life

– "I Lift My Eyes Up", Strong Tower, Kutless

...leave to thy God to order and provide...

I often have a hard time with things not going as planned. Not that I consider myself to be a complete planner, but I would rather have a Plan A and be flexible with it than no plan at all. For example, my days off. When I have a day off, completely unscheduled, I get exactly NOTHING done. I stay in lounge clothes. I don't necessarily shower, and sometimes I forget to eat. It's sad, but it's true. I don't get the house clean or the grocery shopping done, unless I planned to do that.

So I generally run with a limited outline in my head of what the next few weeks, months, and years will or should look like. I probably should keep a day planner, but since graduating from college, I don't. Anyway, it generally helps because I like having goals. Goals are great. But, many times I try to make plans involving people or things outside of my control, things I never should have planned in the first place. And then when they don't turn out the way I expected, I just do not handle it well. At all. It's like I set myself up for disappointment.

I know better than to be this way. There are lots of verses in the Bible that remind me not to try to be in charge, but Proverbs 3:5-6 pretty much says it all.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

I know these verses very well. I memorized them in elementary school. But I still need reminders. Because sometimes I read a Bible verse and think, yeah, yeah, I know that I should do ____. But sometimes the concepts are abstract, like trust. Your own understanding. Acknowledge Him. And if I don't take the time to absorb it, I move on because I didn't listen to what God was saying to me or even to apply it to my life. Maybe it's just me, but music (especially hymns) speaks into my life so often and gives me the reminders I so often need. For example, I'll be doing something like checking Facebook and listening to my hymn station on Pandora in the background, and bam! A phrase will just hit me.

I love the song, Be Still My Soul anyway, but the line "leave to thy God to order and provide" has never jumped out at me before. In the middle of a time when my plans were not occurring in the order I wanted them to and also when I knew I couldn't provide for some of my own needs, I heard this line of this song in a whole new way. I can plan and set goals and make lists and budget, but God is ultimately the one who orders my days and provides all of my needs and my wants even before I know what they are.

 

This image is now my desktop background, so I have constant reminders that it's okay to set goals but I need to allow God to micromanage my life.

Journey to Financial Peace - Part 1

Let's start at the very beginning – a very good place to start, naturally. ;o)

Early 2000s. Financial Peace University [FPU] was offered at my then church. My concept of Dave Ramsey and FPU was that this class was for middle-aged families who had major financial difficulties, as in major credit card debt, mortgage, etc. Sort of like an AA for finances. For some reason, I just had that stereotype in my head.

2009. Nate and I decided we weren't happy with our finances. We didn't have what we considered major debt, but we just knew there were a lot of things we should be doing but weren't, such as saving for retirement, and we had no idea where to start. We got Dave Ramsey's book, "The Total Money Makeover," as a gift. We excitedly read the beginning of it, and then...stopped. Not for any reason, but I don't think we had hit enough of a "rock bottom" to feel desperate enough to change our situation. Dave Ramsey says, "you have to get mad." We definitely weren't mad at that point.

2010. Toward the second half of the year, I went through a period of unemployment. I have no idea how we managed without racking up a ton of debt. Our idea of a budget was to write down the bills that we had to pay, such as our loans, etc., and then to make sure we covered them. It was an attempt, but it certainly wasn't a very good way to go about it. So suffice it to say, we weren't budgeting at the time. Right before Christmas, I was offered a job, and we moved to Texas. You can read about all that here and here.

Early 2011. We hadn't been in Texas longer than a few weeks when we felt convicted about the fact we hadn't been tithing. It's embarrassing to admit, but we hadn't tithed faithfully pretty much ever. We put in a little here and there, but the 10% God requires as per the Bible, yeah, no. We didn't. I recently heard a statistic that 5-7% of Christians tithe. I could write a whole post about this, but I'll just say that that makes it easier to admit since we obviously weren't alone. Tithing has changed our world. It requires faith. And because of that, we have been forced to get our finances under control. It's been HARD. But God is faithful.

August 2011. Remember up there where I said we hadn't hit rock bottom? Well, in August, we did. Three weeks without work in addition to three planned (but not budgeted-for) cross-country trips? If we had been budgeting properly, we could have saved the money beforehand. But, we didn't. Because of our own lack of planning stupidity, we got ourselves into consumer credit card debt for the first time. Yeah, that one is hard to admit. Ouch. This is what Dave Ramsey calls stupid tax (the price you pay for a stupid decision). Anyway, we discovered that Financial Peace University was offered at our church, and the class had already started. BUMMER. We didn't have the money for the class materials anyway. But, we "got mad" and were determined to do something about this hole we had dug for ourselves.

September 2011. We did our first real budget in September. That process is initially so hard. To scrounge up all of the info of where every single dollar you spend goes is, well, painful. But so worth it. I can honestly look back and say it was the hardest part. We also took an Equip class at our church about what the Bible says about how to handle money. Our new way of handling our finances was definitely not perfect, but we felt encouraged. I started listening to The Dave Ramsey Show hour-long podcasts, which helped keep us motivated. We researched more about the Seven Baby Steps (which we now have memorized), and we started saving for our baby emergency fund plus cost of materials for the FPU class at our church that starts in January.

October 2011. Nate and I finally understood how the zero-based budget works and wrote out our monthly cash flow plan. Thanks to bumming materials from an old FPU kit, we started using the envelope system for groceries, eating out/date nights, personal care items, vehicle care, etc. It has helped a ton to not just use the debit card for those things. Before if we had gone over our budget by $5, I would have just said, "oh well." Now, when paying with cash, I can't do that, and it really helps us stay under our budget. At the end of the month, we finished Baby Step One: the $1,000 emergency fund plus the cost of materials for FPU! We feel so encouraged. I started listening to the 3-hour-long Dave Ramsey show at work, which continues to inspire and keep me motivated to start Baby Step Two and our debt snowball.

November 2011. We wrote our zero-based budget/monthly cash flow plan at the beginning of the month, as we will continue to do. As we are right now, we are scheduled to pay off our consumer credit card debt by the beginning of March 2012, though we would love it if we could beat that. We have budgeted for a teeny-tiny Christmas, and we will hopefully be able to scrounge up some extra income in the next few months. Nate and I are so in-sync about this, which is apparently not the case for most married couples in our situation. I am so thankful for that. Our next goals are, in this order, to pay off: our truck, my student loan, our car, and then Nate's student loan. These are based on pay-off amounts (as the interest rates are all very close to the same). Right now it looks like it will take up to two years, but then we will be finished with Baby Step Two, and we can be DEBT FREE.

You can read all about Dave Ramsey and everything he teaches on his website, but just for quick reference, the Seven Baby Steps are: 1 - $1000 emergency fund, 2 - pay off debt using the debt snowball (except the house, if applicable), 3 - build full emergency fund (3-6 months expenses), 4 - invest 15% of income in retirement, 5 - save for kids' college, 6 - pay off house, and 7 - build wealth. Since we don't have a house or kids yet, we will adjust this to fit us as recommended by Dave. Having kids and buying a house will probably fall somewhere between step 2 and step 4, depending on how quickly we can pay things off and save for other things appropriately.

I know personal finances are a very private thing for most people, and since this is the Internet, I will not share tons of details. But, Nate and I are so excited about this. We are embarrassed about the stupidity and ignorance that got us to where we were, but we don't even mind talking about it because we are on the path to get out of it. I will continue to update on our progress, probably after we start the class!

Ten Years :: My 9-11 Memories

Everyone has their own version and their own memories of the day. Mine are not especially significant. I didn't know anyone who was affected, and I don't have anything to say that is profound or really even worth sharing. In fact, on the tenth anniversary of this historic day, I even put off thinking about it because I didn't want to remember how I felt or how sad it was. It helps me to process my thoughts by writing them down, and so that's what I shall do.

Ten years ago. I was 17. Seventeen. I've almost forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. I was recently made painfully aware of this when hearing the age (15) of a babysitter who was going to watch my niece, Ellie for me so that Nate and I could go to a comedy night at our church. I thought, fifteen is too young to babysit a nine month...oh, wait. I started babysitting when I was 12 or 13. *facepalm* But the facts are that seventeen-year-old-me and my family had just moved to Michigan like a month prior, and school had just started about two weeks before September 11. I worked at McDonald's. All of my grandparents were still living (and I now only have one living grandma). I drove myself and my 13-year-old brother to school in my parents' 1983 Chevy Celebrity. I was also enrolled at a university, where I would later earn my bachelor's degree, taking a college-level Spanish class Monday and Wednesday afternoons, but Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons were free for me to spend extra time in the lab of my favorite class, Yearbook, of which I would later be asked to be editor. This is what I wrote as it appears in my high school's 2001-2002 yearbook.
9-11
They said we'd always remember 9-11. I could never forget. Could you?
By Laura Wills, Editor of the Royal Heir 2002
      It was a normal Tuesday morning, just like any other school day. I was sitting in government class, trying to stay awake, when everything changed. Mr. Barsuhn was called out of the room, and he returned with a serious expression on his face. He told us that a terrorist-controlled plane flew into one of the towers of the World Trade Center in New York. The class sat silently in disbelief. Later, we heard that another plane flew into the other tower of the WTC.
      This experience was frightening, but God did not want us to be afraid. The Bible is full of encouragement that applied to the events of September 11, 2001. God continually tells us not to be afraid because he sees the big picture. "...'Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed; be strong and of good courage, for thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight' (Joshua 10:25, NIV)." God has also warned us that we will have trouble in this world. "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world (John 16:33, NIV)."
      Our nation will never be the same. Good has and will come from this tragedy. Let us never forget Who this nation stands for, and let us always be thankful for the freedom to worship Him. We must remember that God is always in control.

Obviously, I wrote this after I had had a lot of time to process the events that had happened. The things I said were true and still are. I don't believe our nation has been the same since. But that day, my emotions were raw. I spent nearly the entire school day in front of the one TV our small Christian school had in the "Cafetorium" (multipurpose cafeteria/auditorium). We started watching after the first plane hit the first tower, and so we watched LIVE while the second plane hit the second tower, the other plane hit the Pentagon, and the fourth plane crashed in Pennsylvania. That day, we had no idea that that would be the end of the planned attacks. We just knew that our nation was under attack, most likely from terrorists, and it was terrifying. For all we knew, there were many more attacks to come. For the first time in my sheltered American teenage life, I didn't feel safe. That day after school, I remember going out to dinner with my dad and my little brother to a little establishment in our small town. The restaurant was full of people, but the atmosphere was hazy and quiet. With only the news on the radio, everyone was silent in complete bewilderment.

Just today, I watched video footage of the second plane hitting the second tower of the World Trade Center. It is common footage that you can find a million times over by doing a simple search on Google or YouTube, but I hadn't seen it in years. Memories of how I felt the first time I saw it came flooding back to me. Those are the snapshots that replay in my head when I think of this day. Aside from the obvious countless lives lost, the surviving friends and family, the country at war with terrorism, and the renewed sense of patriotism, here are a few things I noticed while flipping through my high school yearbook that have changed. The New York City skyline. Airline security. Security to large public places and events (including amusement parks, tourist attractions, and sports arenas). The Sears/Willis Tower. The Internet. Facebook. The software we used to design the yearbook, Pagemaker, doesn't exist anymore; it is now called InDesign, and it's in its 5th version. There are countless more, but that's all that have come to mind just now.

The world has changed and will doubtlessly continue to change in the coming years, but of one thing I'm certain: my God is greater and more powerful than any evil in this world, and He is in control.

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"I'm pressed but not crushed; persecuted not abandoned / Struck down but not destroyed. / I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure / And his joy's gonna be my strength // Though the sorrow may last for the night / His joy comes with the morning." - Trading My Sorrows, by Darrell Evans

Gateway Church :: Membership and Volunteering

As I've mentioned many times on this blog, when we moved to Texas, we knew it was where God wanted us to be. Similarly, when we started attending Gateway Church, where my brother and sister-in-law both worked, we felt at home there. We actually didn't do any "church shopping" at all because we felt like God was telling us, "This is it; this is where I want you to be. Stay at Gateway."

Gateway is not what we're used to...at all. (I'd like to write all about the size, the children's ministry, the worship, etc., but that will have to wait for another post.) But from everything we've learned about this church, it is absolutely right where we need to be. We did our homework right from the beginning. We researched the website, and at our first opportunity, attended the first of the three membership classes, which are more like seminars, called Catch the Vision.

I'm going to be really, really descriptive for this part, just because Gateway is such a different church than we've ever attended, and we'd like to dispel any rumors or apprehension any of our family and friends might have after hearing about our involvement with this new church. That being said, if you could care less, please feel free to skip to the end to read about how I'm going to be getting involved by volunteering starting in September, hopefully.

Catch the Vision
This first class was more like a seminar, a totally low-key, informational format that allowed you to make your decision on whether to become a member either immediately or later, at your leisure. I loved that there was no pressure. We watched a video about the history of the church, and it was really awesome to see how they followed God's direction at every turn. I was especially pleased to discover the church was born out of God leading our pastor to start a church rather than a group that started after breaking away from another church after a conflict. The class provided a workbook full of information including the history, vision, mission, statement of faith, and position papers (which could also be seen as their doctrine). I eagerly read it all. We prayerfully considered our decision and became members after attending for less than a month!

The Journey
The second class, called the Journey, is a lot like a class I took in college called Core 300. It focused on your personal spiritual walk, and it explained a lot of basic theology about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. It was a good refresher for us and confirmed again that Gateway teaches what we already believe doctrinally. There was one topic, having to do with the Holy Spirit, that was and still is a struggle for me, but in a good way. Having grown up in the church and having attended a Christian university, it is easy for me to get comfortable that I already know everything I need to know about what I believe. It's foolish to think I know everything there is to know, as I could go my whole lifetime learning and still barely scratch the surface, so I like that there are a few areas, especially, that have come to my attention in this class where I have room to grow.

Discovery
The third class, called Discovery, was also a lot like a class I took in college combined with a seminar I took in college. The first was a required course called Core 400, and the seminar, called Discovering My Design, was a several-day workshop offered to sophomores. I love personality tests and learning more about who I am and how people interact with each other. It fascinates me. Needless to say, I was looking forward to this class with much excitement. Catch the Vision had emphasized the need to get plugged in to a group, a necessity in such a large church, as well as getting involved as a volunteer. I've always believed it is important to minister and to get ministered to equally. Discovery is Gateway's way of helping you get to know yourself better in order to find the best place for you to serve...and to actually enjoy every second of it, rather than doing it out of obligation. I love this concept!

Most of the workbook could not be completed in class as there was just not enough time to cover it all, so I worked on most of it at home. The finished results were to be applied to the Servant Profile. The sections covered were:
1. Life Experiences, where you were given the opportunity to write about experiences you had whether it was something difficult, relational, achievement-related, or ministry-related that might impact where you might choose to serve. One example I used was achieving my art degree, and how I wanted to use my creative skills in some fashion in ministry.
2. Passion and Interests, where you could describe the things that you most enjoyed doing, and my examples included working with kids.
3. Personality, in which I took a version of the DISC test which is also compatible with the Gary Smalley Personality Types: Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, and Beaver. I scored exactly how I expected: S (Golden Retriever), with an ability to pull out the I (Otter) or C (Beaver) when necessary.
4. Spiritual Gifts. A questionnaire almost identical to one I took in Core 400 in college which helped you know which God-given gifts you had, which for me included Craftsmanship (creativity), Exhortation (encouragement), and Helps/Service/Hospitality (assisting others, serving others, and making others feel comfortable).
5. Strengths/Abilities/Skills. This section dealt with your natural strengths. If you are familiar with the Strength Finder test, that is basically what this was. I scored high on Input (collecting, archiving, and traveling to learn more), Learner (enjoying learning more on a variety of topics), Relator (wanting to know a few people closely), Context (fascinated with learning from the past), and Arranger (organizing complex things).

[If you've skipped to the end, start HERE.]

After completing the Servant Profile, I was connected with someone, called a Ministry Placement Coach, whose job (as a volunteer herself) is to help others find their perfect place to volunteer. I just met with my coach for the first time today after church, and I have to say I'm so excited to get involved. She explained a few ideas where she thought I might be a good fit. She told me about the Event Administration volunteers who help to decorate for events. I'm sure my face lit up when she described it, and I told her that sounded really fun. If you've ever been to Gateway for any event, you know they go all out making it a fun environment for those in attendance. I love decorating, and I'm really excited to get to do this. I'll also probably begin working in Gateway's Amazing Kids, the kids' ministry, which has a more involved application and interview process in order to help keep the kids safe in such a large church. Ideally if I pass that process, I'll begin helping with the kids groups or in the nursery on the weekends.

After meeting with my coach, I don't have to do anything else until the ministries contact me. I love that Gateway has the volunteer ministry organized so well and that it is set up so that I have a contact person. Once I start volunteering, if I'm unhappy with my placement, all I have to do is contact my coach and she'll move me. That simplifies it a lot, and makes it a lot less awkward. (There's no going to a leader of a ministry and trying to come up with excuses for why you don't want to volunteer with them anymore.)

So that's what I have to look forward to in the next few weeks...getting involved. We're also going to get involved in a group, which I will explain more about in another post when I have more information.

Project 31: Day 10: Jesus Lessons

Day 10. What is Jesus teaching you as a wife, mom, or friend? (Or just woman in general?)

1. Jesus is teaching me patience. He knows that's a tough one for me. I lose my patience way too easily, and I just need to calm it down and wait.

2. Jesus is teaching me trust Him in general. "I know what's best for you, Laura. What part of, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' didn't you understand?" Yeah, I guess I need to keep hearing that. Over and over. Being unemployed for 6 months kind of allowed forced me to trust. He had the perfect job for me, but I just had to wait for it. Yeah, He really is looking out for me. Always.

3. Jesus is teaching me to trust Him with finances. Probably this is pretty much a lesson for everyone. We started tithing. It seems like an enormous amount initially. It's definitely trust issue at first, but slowly and surely we are learning that God really does provide for you even without that 10%. I have no idea why we didn't tithe before. Someone encouraged us to start, and we have been so, SO blessed. And I feel much closer to God partially as a result of tithing. If you don't already, I would really encourage you to trust God with your finances and tithe. Do it first, before you pay any other bills. That way you aren't looking at your bank account and saying, "I don't have any extra for you, God." Give him the FIRST FRUITS. It's really worth it. And you don't have any guilt when the offering plate is passed at church.

I'm sure there are lots more, but I'll just go with three.

Project 31: Day 7: Melanie

Day 7. Write a blog to encourage another beautiful woman.

I've been praying about who God would have me write to encourage. The same beautiful woman comes to mind each time. I am beginning to understand what it means for God to lay people on your heart and that there is a reason for it. I have no idea why, but I'm pleased to write a little backstory about why and how she has encouraged me followed by a few words I have to say to her.

How We Met:

Melanie and I met and got to know each other summer 2007 at the campground where we both used to work in the housekeeping department. I'm the second on the left, and she's the one on the far right. We were at similar places in our lives at the time, and we had some great discussions. We both got engaged within weeks (it may have been more like days...I can't remember exactly) of each other. Well, the summer ended, but as people do, we added each other on Facebook to stay in touch. We didn't really converse a lot over that next year. She was a senior in college, and I was struggling getting my first "real job". It was fun, however, to watch each other wedding plan as our wedding dates were one week apart! After our weddings, I eventually discovered she had a blog, and though I hadn't started one yet at the time, I remember occasionally reading hers. I probably didn't comment much, but I enjoyed reading about the adventures of her and her husband.

The One with Her Blog That Has Encouraged Me :o)

Then she wrote this blog post about how her husband quit his job in a grad school program and how they were trusting God to provide for them with no real source of income. I remember reading how she wasn't freaking out. I knew that God must have been giving her a peace about it. I knew that was awesome and I definitely respected her for it, but I have to be honest, part of me still thought, Oh my goodness. It's so irresponsible to quit a job without another lined up. God will provide but you have to work hard. You can't just expect Him to drop money in your lap. Not that I was placing judgment on them. Like I said, I knew God would provide, but I guess I was freaking out for them just a little bit. I think knowing God will provide and being faced with having to totally rely on Him to provide are totally different things. I remember reading that to Nate. We commented that we could never do that, but on the other hand, good for them.

Well fast-forward two years. Melanie wrote this post about what had happened in the two years following and how Kevin wanted to be a pastor now, a decision he never would have made had he not originally quit his PhD program. God did a MAJOR work in me in the approximately two years in between these posts. For some reasons that were very important to me, I felt I needed to leave a job I really loved doing about seven months before I actually did leave. I had thought about it a lot. I had prayed about it. I had talked to my husband about it. We had prayed about it. I read what happened with Kevin and Melanie and was so encouraged. I remember sitting at McDonald's with my husband the day I quit my job and looking at Kevin and Mel as an example of trusting God to provide and what that really means practically. I absolutely could not believe we were considering something similar. I wanted God's will first and foremost. I was scared out of my boots, but I did it. God gave me a peace that I can't even describe to you. Nate and I both knew it was the right thing for me to do, but it was one of the scariest things I'd ever done.

Fast-forward another 5 months. In those few months, we experienced much frustration, much tightening on the finances, and many, many, many conversations about our future. In mid-December, God did a huge work in our lives. With very little warning, He basically dropped the perfect job (nanny for my niece AND freelance graphic designer) into my lap and in a matter of a week, we were moving to Texas. It was extremely sudden, but we knew with almost no doubt that it was what God wanted. For more info on this, you should probably read this and if your really bored and interested go ahead and read this too. My husband, Nate, had to quit his job and when our HSA (health savings account...a form of health insurance) runs out, we will have no health insurance. This trumps quitting my job as one of the scariest things I've done. Now suddenly, we were in Kevin and Melanie's shoes. We were doing some of the idiotic things for Christ* that they had done. They have been blessed beyond measure. God has taken their willing hearts and made something beautiful. Their ministry is flourishing. It is absolutely beautiful to watch.

The Part Where I Encourage Her

Melanie, dear, I want to thank you for writing from your heart. I want to thank you for using your God-given talents, your human quirky uniqueness, and your real life experiences for His glory. I love that you have a blog for your youth group. I love your transparency to your teens in your blog and in life. I can tell that you are a huge encouragement to them and a wonderful role model for them to look up to. Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs in your marriage. I smile when I think of you two working together, hand in hand, as a team. A healthy (not to be confused with perfect) marriage is so, so beautiful. Don't hate me when you read my initial reaction to Kevin's quitting his PhD program. I wanted to relate it because of the irony of how God has used my reaction to teach me more about Himself and to prepare me for others to react to me that way. I know he is preparing something for Nate and me that is the absolute best thing for us, and seeing your flourishing ministry encourages me whenever I start to doubt. I love how you share your struggles and triumphs with eating well and exercising. I love that you wear many hats and that you thrive in doing many different jobs when many people struggle juggling just one. I have no idea how the next two years will unfold for the Eccles or the Piatts, but I know God has some exciting things in store. I want to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. Everyone has days they wonder if what they are doing really matters, and I just pray that this can be an encouragement to you in some small way. You're beautiful!

*Watch the sermon "Idiots for Christ" by Craig Groeschel via that link. Trust me, if God has ever asked you to do something crazy, you will be able to relate and will love this sermon. You can listen to the podcast instead if you prefer. :o)

Project 31: Day 5: Heart Alive

Day 5: Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.

I cannot even read this day's title without thinking of a specific individual. I know most people will write this about their husbands or about someone else very close to them. My husband has made my heart come alive, but I did not feel as though I should write this particular blog about him. Instead, I chose someone else who has very much influenced my life. The wording "your heart come alive" instantly puts the song, "Alive" by Rebecca St. James. The following lyrics especially:

You make me come alive
I found the secret
It’s only when I let go of what I want in this life
You make me come alive

Ever since I was about 13 years old, I've been a huge fan of Rebecca St. James. Her music, devotionals, testimony, concerts, etc. have influenced me more than any others. I asked Jesus into my heart and accepted his gift of salvation at a very young age, but it wasn't until I was about 13 that I really came alive. I got baptized at 13, and my spiritual life grew by leaps and bounds. I started prayer journaling, as influenced by her, and my prayer journals are among my most precious possessions.

Though she's not someone I actually "know" or someone who will ever read this, I would like to thank Rebecca St. James for following God's path for her life. She's been singing publicly since she was 14, that's almost 20 years now. She stands for what she believes and holds to that very strongly. It is so inspiring. I wish I could go out for coffee with her sometime and chat with her about life, wedding planning (she just got engaged over Christmas), and God. She is truly an amazing woman of God.

But since I can't sit down with her personally, I will let this blog serve as my thank you. She gave me someone positive to look up to, a beautiful, talented, great role model for my young, impressionable teenage life. She helped me see that a relationship with God is really what makes your heart come alive. But it doesn't stop there. She has emphasized these points so much in the past 15 years that I should have them memorized. 1) Dig into the Bible. 2) Pray. 3) Grab all the Christian friends you can. 4) Get rid of the junk in your life. 5) Get involved in church. I did those things. I'm still doing those things. Or at least learning how to keep doing those things through all of life's twists and turns. I'm so not perfect, but I'm thankful that my Jesus is. He loves me just the way I am. He is the source of my joy and my strength. He makes me come alive. Thank you, Rebecca, for showing me that.

*These are pictures that I have taken of Rebecca and as such are my property. Please do not take them and use them for anything without asking me first. Thank you!

Resolution-less Goals

I don't make new year's resolutions. I guess I'm just not much for making promises to myself that I don't intend to keep. But, in the back of my mind, I often find myself thinking "oh, maybe this year I'll lose weight or consistently read my Bible or check a few more items off my list of things I'd like to do before I die." Though I never really publicly proclaim them as resolutions, I think those are always the major reoccurring goals I tend to mentally renew every year.

Sometime shortly after New Year's Day 2010, Nate and I decided to seriously start losing some weight. And we did. I didn't quite reach my goal weight, but I'm happy to say that I lost 20 lbs. and have kept it off, give or take about 5 lbs. If I were to make resolutions this year, one would be to knock off the other 20 lbs. I'd like to lose.

I've always wanted to read through the whole Bible in a year, but the reading plans that pick a New Testament and an Old Testament selection every day just never worked for me. I'm too anal-retentive for that kind of chaotic reading plan. So, I downloaded a free Bible app run by YouVersion.com. It has several translations/paraphrases to choose from and countless reading plans that you can customize. I chose the chronological reading plan (in order of when events occurred not by when they were written, though that is another reading plan option). I have LOVED it. I started the plan in October, but I've read ahead so much that I will probably complete it in 9 months instead of the originally planned year. You don't have to have an iPod touch or iPhone to use YouVersion reading plans. You can sign up and use the website. If I were to make resolutions this year, one would be to finish this reading plan.

Since I was a teenager, I have kept a list of things I would like to do before I die. It sounds morbid, but the idea came from a show I saw on the Travel channel about 10 years ago. It's the same as what other people call their "Bucket List." I constantly add to my list, but I currently have about 85 things. I have completed 27 of them. Some are major accomplishments while others are pretty minor. Visit a castle. Check. Drive a tractor. Check. Dance in the rain. Check. See the Blue Man Group in Chicago. Check. Ride an elephant. Check. I checked off about 9 things in 2005 alone. I'm a little sad to say that in 2009 I only completed one: Visit Boston in the fall. In 2010, I learned how to can. While I'm thankful to have gained these wonderful experiences and to have these great memories, I know I can do better than one a year! If I were to make resolutions this year, one would be to complete at least 3 items in 2011.

But since I don't make new year's resolutions, I won't get my hopes up. I won't make any promises to myself that I can't or won't keep. I've no intention of disappointing myself. That would be just awful! On the flip-side, setting goals for oneself can be really encouraging and inspiring, so here's to a new year of setting goals and if not reaching them, being a step or two closer to them by the end of the year than I was at the beginning of it. You may say I'm getting hung up on semantics, but it's my way of setting goals for myself without falling into despair when I don't reach them.

2011 Goals

-20 lbs :: +Bible :: +3 Things

I Can't Believe I Quit My Job

I did it. I quit my job. I had many, many, too-numerous-to-mention reasons, but I am no longer employed there. I have never done something like this before. I quit a job without giving two weeks notice. I even wrote up a formal notice when I quit McDonald's, for heaven's sake. I never do things like this. It is completely irresponsible to quit a job without having another job to start. I've been taught this from day one. I know that you should not allow yourself to be between jobs unless you are fired and can then get unemployment. But I did it.

I have been praying about this, considering it, discussing it with my husband for seven months. Seven months!!! It wasn't something I did on a whim. I have been looking for another job just to have a steady income so that I could quit, but nothing came through. Finally my employer basically gave me no other choice, and I felt like it was like God was smacking me in the back of the head, saying, "Laura, I have told you for seven months to trust me. I will provide for you. If you have faith in me and trust in the skills and abilities I have given you, I will make your dreams come true." As we were walking into Meijer last night, I told Nate that. Well, minus the God-smacking-me-in-the-back-of-the-head part. We prayed about it. We read God's Word. We consulted those around us whose opinions we value most especially in this matter: my mom, Nate's mom, Nate's dad, Mike, and Laura. All of them told us variations of the same thing. The behavior of my employer was intolerable, and I needed to give them an ultimatum. Nate and I agreed that this was the right and necessary next step for me. I confronted them in the way I knew I could handle and they would handle best. I emailed them. This way, I would have a written record of our conversation if the need arose. I was also able to carefully consider every word, being sure to say what I meant and not say things I didn't mean out of anger. I sent it last night. I tossed and turned all night. I didn't sleep a wink over 4 hours all night. I had this nasty, queazy feeling in my gut. This morning, I received a reply of apology and a request for me to stay on if they made the situation right. I replied with appreciation but said no. I have this amazing peace about it now. I might even be able to arrange for them to outsource work to me. Which would be a steady income. And I'd get to work from home still. Amazing. Thank you, Jesus.

My goal for the next week is to trim down our expenses and come up with a proper business plan. I've also applied at places like McDonald's and Kohl's. I'm not above doing what has to be done in order to make ends meet and to pursue this. We don't make very much money as it is, but finally have some savings and I know we can do this. I am a talent designer. I know this to be true. Now I just have to tell the world that I am and that I'm affordable and for hire! I found this quote by Oprah Winfrey, "Devote today to something so daring even you can 't believe you 're doing it." I'd say this qualifies! I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it on.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." - American Proverb

Empathizing with the Pain of Loss

One aspect of my personality is empathy, which gives me a strong desire to feel the pain of others and somehow try to ease that pain. Usually its pain I've never even experienced in my own life. Other times, its pain I know only too well. Sometimes it makes me a softy. Sometimes it means I cry during movies when things happen to fictional characters or people I don't even know. I'm such a Golden Retriever, it's not even funny.

In the past few years, I have had several friends experience miscarriage. On Monday, I just found out another friend was going through it. As someone who has not yet become a parent, I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, let alone one in the womb. The "Why me, God?" questions must be so difficult to face, especially when the miscarriage occurs after so many people knew you were pregnant...to have to face people and tell them you lost the baby. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. The desire to curl up, hide from society, and become numb would be so strong for me.

I recently heard this song, by Natalie Grant called "Held." It's by no means a new song - it came out in 2005 - and though I've heard it many times before, only recently did I actually listen to the lyrics and look them up. I nearly balled my eyes out. Had I not been at work, I probably would have.

Held

by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little / They let him go / They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence / Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling / Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and / Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us / Who have died to live, it's unfair

:: Chorus ::
This is what it means to be held / How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive / This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell / We'd be held

This hand is bitterness / We want to taste it and / Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly / To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]

:: Bridge ::
If hope is born of suffering / If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour / Watching for our Savior

[Chorus]
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know / That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held / This is what it means to be held.....

How perfect. How it must break the heart of God when these terrible sorts of things happen to people. Many people ask why bad things happen to good people. I always think that is such a crazy question. I'm non-confrontational, so I never say anything. But really. What is the definition of a good person anyway? We're all sinners, those who are in Christ and those who are not, have all fallen short of the glory of God. It says so in the Bible. Even people who don't believe that know that no one is perfect. We're saved because of what He did, not because we believe in Him and are somehow magically turned into "good people." The promise was not that bad things wouldn't happen to us anymore. As the song says, "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held."

I read or heard somewhere, though I can't for the life of me remember where, of a Christian couple who had a baby girl who was born somehow handicapped. I don't remember the specifics. They went through the "why us, God?" questions and eventually gained what I think is an awesome perspective. What if there were a total percentage of babies that had to be born handicapped? What if God gave that to you to bear in order to spare from someone else? If you knew there had to be a total number distributed between all mankind from now to the end of time, as a believer, would you not volunteer for the job? This couple took on this perspective. The fact that they were given a baby that they had the financial, spiritual, and physical ability to care for became a blessing. God gave her to them to take care of her instead of someone else.

I think the same thing could apply to miscarriages or really any pain we experience that we deem unfair. Not to diminish the pain felt, but to gain a new perspective on it. What if there were a total number of miscarriages that had to happen throughout time? What if God gave it to you to bear rather than to someone He knew would not be able to carry the burden or endure the grief. The Bible doesn't actually say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." Sometimes He does allow you to be in situations that you don't think you can handle, but in reality, those are the times He wants you to rely on Him to carry you. If He didn't let those sorts of things happen to you, you'd think you handled everything in your own strength. Why would you even need Him? Really, isn't that what the Bible is saying in Psalm 71:20-21? "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Also, Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

It probably seems easy for me to say. I've never actually experienced great pain in loss. Sure I've lost loved ones, actually only once, but there's a world of difference between losing an 80 year old grandfather and losing a child. I was VERY close to my grandpa, and oftentimes now, I will find myself thinking about him and how much I miss the presence of such a wonderful man of God who without a doubt loved me and my family with a Christ-like love. I don't think that pain can even compare to the grief of losing a child who had been growing inside of you. I only know from what I've heard, the strong bond between a mother and a child, especially in the womb. Even though I may never know this pain, I try to empathize anyway and my heart just breaks for people going through something like this. I mean for most people, a funeral helps bring closure to the grief they experience, but there is no funeral for a miscarried baby. No real closure. So, I pray for them. I try to encourage them and be there for them. I pray for them some more. I thank God for his blessings. I see the strength in these women (and their families) and am actually encouraged by them. I hope and pray that if I'm ever in their situation or even a similar one, that I will exhibit the same strength and reliance on God that I see in them. And maybe I'll look back on this post and be reminded of God's promises.

Wedding Update and Blessings in Disguise

Imported Livejournal entry from 04.23.08
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Wedding planning, and life, are going well. There are just 38 days until my life changes forever. I am hardly able to sit still because I'm so excited. There is so much to do, but I'm not stressing...at the moment.

Shower #2 went quite well, as did shower #1. Both showers were filled with people I love and gifts I never would have expected. It speaks of unconditional love and heartfelt support. Gifts aren't my primary love language, but everyone really "spoke" love to me via gifts at both showers.

I am feeling contemplative now, tonight, realizing how close the wedding is, and how real the marriage to follow is. I am so looking forward to my future with Nate, but right now I'm thinking about the past.
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The way the last 5 or 7 years of my life have unfolded is really quite amazing. I could write a book of the way God continues to surprise and delight me, even when sometimes circumstances have felt all but exciting in the moment, but looking back I can see what a true blessing in disguise certain things were.

People come in and out of our lives; we make new friends. Sometimes we stay friends with old friends, and sometimes we grow apart. I guess right now I'm just mourning the loss of some friends, people who I wish I could still be close to. Our lives go in different directions, whether we want them to or not, and looking back, I am sure I'll be able to see the blessings in disguise in this circumstance. I'm anxious to look back on this in 5-7 years to see how far I have come.