Resolution-less Goals

I don't make new year's resolutions. I guess I'm just not much for making promises to myself that I don't intend to keep. But, in the back of my mind, I often find myself thinking "oh, maybe this year I'll lose weight or consistently read my Bible or check a few more items off my list of things I'd like to do before I die." Though I never really publicly proclaim them as resolutions, I think those are always the major reoccurring goals I tend to mentally renew every year.

Sometime shortly after New Year's Day 2010, Nate and I decided to seriously start losing some weight. And we did. I didn't quite reach my goal weight, but I'm happy to say that I lost 20 lbs. and have kept it off, give or take about 5 lbs. If I were to make resolutions this year, one would be to knock off the other 20 lbs. I'd like to lose.

I've always wanted to read through the whole Bible in a year, but the reading plans that pick a New Testament and an Old Testament selection every day just never worked for me. I'm too anal-retentive for that kind of chaotic reading plan. So, I downloaded a free Bible app run by YouVersion.com. It has several translations/paraphrases to choose from and countless reading plans that you can customize. I chose the chronological reading plan (in order of when events occurred not by when they were written, though that is another reading plan option). I have LOVED it. I started the plan in October, but I've read ahead so much that I will probably complete it in 9 months instead of the originally planned year. You don't have to have an iPod touch or iPhone to use YouVersion reading plans. You can sign up and use the website. If I were to make resolutions this year, one would be to finish this reading plan.

Since I was a teenager, I have kept a list of things I would like to do before I die. It sounds morbid, but the idea came from a show I saw on the Travel channel about 10 years ago. It's the same as what other people call their "Bucket List." I constantly add to my list, but I currently have about 85 things. I have completed 27 of them. Some are major accomplishments while others are pretty minor. Visit a castle. Check. Drive a tractor. Check. Dance in the rain. Check. See the Blue Man Group in Chicago. Check. Ride an elephant. Check. I checked off about 9 things in 2005 alone. I'm a little sad to say that in 2009 I only completed one: Visit Boston in the fall. In 2010, I learned how to can. While I'm thankful to have gained these wonderful experiences and to have these great memories, I know I can do better than one a year! If I were to make resolutions this year, one would be to complete at least 3 items in 2011.

But since I don't make new year's resolutions, I won't get my hopes up. I won't make any promises to myself that I can't or won't keep. I've no intention of disappointing myself. That would be just awful! On the flip-side, setting goals for oneself can be really encouraging and inspiring, so here's to a new year of setting goals and if not reaching them, being a step or two closer to them by the end of the year than I was at the beginning of it. You may say I'm getting hung up on semantics, but it's my way of setting goals for myself without falling into despair when I don't reach them.

2011 Goals

-20 lbs :: +Bible :: +3 Things

On Trend-Following or Lack Thereof

So I have decided that UGG must be short for "ugly". Some of the boots I've seen are passable, but most of them...yep, they're ugly. I can think of better ways to spend my $70, thank you very much.

Thank goodness I'm not a kid now because sillybandz are probably the lame-est trend ever. What on earth is so desirable about a colorful, non-functional rubber band? You can't tell what shape they are when you wear them, so what is the point? And kids trade them like they're valuable; "I'll trade your star for my dinosaur." *eye roll* If they are just meant to be fun-shaped bracelets, then call them sillybracelets. Now slap-bracelets – those were cool. And at least POGS were a fun game, lame as that trend was. I was a little old by the time the Pokemon craze was in full-swing, but it, at least, seemed more like a cute kids' game than a dumb trend.

If you can't tell, I've never been much of a trend-follower. That's not to say I'm a trend-setter, however, as that certainly isn't the case either. I just mean to say that I'm usually the last to succumb to a new trend. Part of the time, I'm probably blithely unaware of the comings and goings of trends, while other times I just don't care.

Rewind back to about 1992, when I was about 9 years old. Jeans were first starting to be cool (for my demographic) and stretch-pants were on the way out. I was hesitant. Given the choice between my single pair of elastic-waist stonewashed jeans and my elastic-waist stretch-pants in almost every color, I would have chosen the stretch-pants every time. They were WAY more comfy; it was almost like wearing pajamas to school. But alas, peer pressure got the best of me, and I dropped the uncool stretch-pants for the stiff and rigid jeans. That was a very rare instance though, because normally, I'd go for what I wanted and not what was popular.

Oh, bangs are in? Hmm, that's interesting. Never had them. Never wanted them. I doubt I ever will.

People are always shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, when they find out I don't have pierced ears. Seriously, you'd think I have two heads or something by the way they look at me. But to those who ask why, my answer is usually one of the following: "Why would I intentionally inflict pain on myself?" "I would never let a complete stranger point and shoot a gun at me for any reason." "I have attached earlobes, and earrings don't really look good on me anyway." "I'm too cheap for the expense of everything that comes with pierced ears." Growing up, Mom never flatly told me that I couldn't have pierced ears, but she did instill in me a mindset of "why would I want them?" If I got them for the same reasons most of my friends did, because "everyone else was doing it," than that was for the wrong reason. She did always half-jokingly say, "If God wanted your ears pierced, he would have made them that way." Honestly, I don't really think God cares whether my ears are pierced or not, but I do think he cares if I pierce them because I want to or if it's because other people do.

I didn't get my first real haircut until I was 14. I had had lots of trims, but that was the first time it had ever been cut. I've never permed it or dyed it (save one regrettable experience in college that thankfully didn't really affect my dark hair). I rarely blow dry it and even less rarely curl it. Hairdressers are always telling me how healthy my hair is. I'm pretty proud of that, not going to lie. I have almost always had long hair, and I suppose one reason is that I have always thought my hair was pretty. I don't mean that in a vain way. Believe me, I have never had a problem with vanity. But I've been complimented on my hair so many times throughout my life that I've finally believed it.

I am pretty proud of the times I've avoided trend-following. I don't know where it came from, but I prefer to just be me: my dorky, long-haired, bangs-less, cheap living, long-winded, God-following, husband-loving, odd-ball-in-the-crowd self. But honestly, I've never found myself longing for those stretch-pants again.

The Miss List

I'm going to miss:

:: Meijer-brand low fat Chocolate Moose Tracks Ice Cream.

:: Our fenced-in backyard.

:: Los Tres Amigos.

:: The lake.

:: Living across the driveway from Nate's grandpa, Joe Ferry.

:: Being 15 minutes from Nate's parents and 1 hour from my parents.

:: Somerset Beach Campground.

:: No water or sewer bill. (We have a well and septic system.)

:: Really, really inexpensive rent.

:: Belle Tire. (We have free tire rotation, balancing, and alignment checks. Come to find out Belle Tire is only in Michigan and Ohio. FAIL.)

:: My parents. Nate's parents. Jonathan & Rebecca.

:: Allen Antique Malls.

Things I'm NOT going to miss:

:: The snow. (I'm sure I will eventually miss it, but it's going to take a long, long, long time.)

:: Not having a garage.

:: My husband's two-hour daily commute. (It's one hour each way.)

:: Being 40 miles away from the nearest Target, farmers' markets, and the like.

:: The incredibly HARD water.

:: Did I mention the cold and snow?

:: The ginormous tree growing over our house. During every thunderstorm, I'm afraid it is going to come crashing down on us.

:: Andrew & Valerie. My niece, Ellie.

:: Small town newspapers.

:: Fireworks going off randomly throughout the year and scaring my dog half to death.

:: My tiny kitchen and lack of a dishwasher.

Texas: The Story

Chapter 1: Yes, Texas

“Progress always involves risk; you can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” -Fredrick Wilcox

About two weeks ago, I was offered a job to be a full time nanny for my niece Elanor Grace Wills in the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas. Through much prayer and consideration, Nate and I feel very strongly that God is calling us to move to Texas. For more information on the events that brought us to this decision, please read my blog entry Texas: The Prequel. Nate currently has a few job prospects but nothing specific. Here are some of the reasons we are saying "Yes" to Texas.

We need a fresh start. I pretty much covered that in Texas: The Prequel, but Nate and I feel like we've been in a rut for almost three years. It isn't getting better. Nate currently has a full-time job he really enjoys. We met at Somerset, and we love the people there. But the commute is an hour each way, and we can't afford to move closer. While it's true I just got hired to a new job, it isn't exactly what I want either. I was and still am excited about that job, but I am pretty sure I will still be able to work for the company from home from Texas rather than from home from Michigan. I don't see it being a problem. If it works, it will in effect double my income. We are trusting that God will provide a job for Nathan after our arrival.

Texas' economy is not Michigan's economy. That is really important for Michiganders to remember. When driving around an average town or city in Michigan, it is not uncommon to see strip malls with shop vacancies. Unemployment is not uncommon in Michigan. In Texas, finding a job is not so difficult, and businesses are continually booming. "Texas is kind of a red state," as Valerie so eloquently put it. Michigan is, well, very blue. (Okay, that's not true. Michigan is red except for Detroit and Grand Rapids and Battle Creek and Lansing. Those cities make Michigan blue. Anyway, I digress.) While I am not attributing the economies wholly to the states' respective political persuasions, I do think they are a major factor. Texas does not have state income tax. Michigan does. Property tax is higher in Texas and sales tax is a percent or two higher, but if you cannot afford to own property, you basically get a tax break. I think that is a huge incentive to poorer people. Jobs are much easier to come-by in Texas, which makes moving without Nathan being employed a lot less scary. While it's sad that Michigan's economy is so bad, we have to do what is best for us and our family, not what is best for Michigan.

No daycare for Ellie. This one was a huge factor. My mom (and lots of others as well) has been worried about Ellie going to daycare. Not that daycare centers are evil or, as a rule, force a child to grow up without guidance from his or her parents, but my mom feels (and I agree) that being a stay-at-home parent in order to be able to raise one's own children is really important if it is feasible. When she heard that Valerie was going back to work, I think her heart sank a little. She so wanted to live closer to be able to watch her grandbaby. I'm sure Ellie's other relatives felt the same way. But the timing was just not right for them. It just felt SO right for me. I could watch Ellie when Andrew and Valerie were at work, and she wouldn't have to go to daycare. This would answer a lot of people's prayers. I really feel so, so humbled that they trust me so much to ask me to watch their child on a daily basis, and I'm thrilled that I will be able to get to know her and watch her grow.

Everything's bigger in Texas. Even the cities. But really, it's pretty exciting. Name a restaurant or business you've ever heard of, and they probably have one. Or ten. In Coldwater, we live about 40 miles from the nearest Target. In Dallas, there are about 10 Targets within 20 miles, even Super Targets with grocery departments (not that I would EVER grocery shop in Target...too expensive). Sonic. Chick-fil-A. Kroger. The only thing they don't have that I know I will miss is Meijer. And Belle Tire.

And some more minor reasons:

Friendly Southerners.

Gas is MUCH cheaper. It doesn't stay so freaking cold all winter. Closer to my brother and his family and having their help in getting settled.

If you know Nate and me, you know that Nate is not much of a risk-taker, and I'm not really that independent though I am a bit of a dreamer. If this was our own doing, trust me, we would not be moving to Texas. There are just too many potential risks involved, and it's just kind of scary. But believe me when I say that this is God. It totally is. When I think about that and about Ellie, I just get so excited. Do we really want to live in Texas? Honestly? No, not really. But I just can't see myself doing anything else. I can't imagine saying "no" to forty hours a week with my niece. And Nate feels the same way. We are definitely unsure as to what God has for him, but we are trusting and praying that even now, God is causing things to happen that will present the best job Nate could ever wish for.

Chapter 2: Skepticism Takes Its Toll

"Now I'm fearless with nothing left to hide / All the doubts of yesterday, love has driven them away" - Fearless, dcTalk

How can they afford to hire you?

We've gotten this question a lot. Andrew and Valerie have budgeted in the cost of putting Ellie in an average daycare. It's not cheap. But, if they can afford daycare, they can afford to hire me instead. I don't know about you, but it seems pretty simple to me.

Moving is expensive. How can you afford to move? Well, God's got it covered. While that should appease most of those who have asked us these questions, the practical side of them just needs to know. Andrew and Valerie are helping. We will stay with them for the first month or so, which will help us find a great place to live and will save us money. In reality, I'm not really sure how we can afford not to move.

But childcare isn't your degree nor your passion. Aha! You are correct and also incorrect at the same time. One of the very biggest reasons why I chose graphic design is because I knew I could do it from home. (Another reason is the "undo" button, but that's a story for another time.) I wanted to be a wife and a mom more than most anything. I love graphic design. I really do. Sometimes it's stressful, but I'm good at it and I just love doing it. But family is so important to me. I wanted to choose a career that I could do from home like my mom did with me. She sold Tupperware and ran a daycare so that she could stay home with us, though her degree is education. I am so thankful she did that, and I want to do it too but in my own way. Childcare is important to me, and I'll gain so much experience watching Ellie (and ideally future Baby Wills children) until and maybe even while I watch my own children. But I can also pursue a career I am passionate about at the same time. There is no better arrangement, in my opinion, which is why I can't even imagine saying "no" to this opportunity.

And just so you know, if it works out the way I hope it will, it means double-pay.

What's Nate going to do?

So while we are moving without a job for Nathan, we are pretty certain he'll get one within a few weeks of our arrival. Andrew could not offer Nate a job, but he has enough faith in Nate as a hard worker and good employee that he can convince the right people to consider Nate for a job at Gateway Church.

Maybe Nate will get hired, maybe not. Maybe we'll end up loving Gateway Church, and maybe we'll find somewhere else we'd rather attend. With as frightening as it is for us to move without him having a job (or insurance), we are remarkably calm about it. I guess with faith in God, it isn't so remarkable that God would ease our fears about this.

When are you moving? I can't believe I haven't mentioned this yet. Our departure date: January 25, 2011.

We chose this date so we'll have a few weeks to look for a place to live and find Nate a job and also because it's after Nate's birthday. It was important to us to be here to spend Nate's 28th birthday with Nate's mom.

Nate's official last day of work is January 15, so that we have time to pack our things. My first day of work is February 14, the day Ellie turns 12 weeks old.

Are you taking both your vehicles and all your stuff right away? Yes. While it's true that we will be back to Michigan at least twice between January and September, it is important to us to try to take everything in one trip. We don't want to continue to take advantage of free storage at our parents' houses. I feel like we have a ton of stuff, too much stuff for a couple with no kids. But, that stuff includes a whole second set of bedroom furniture that we have inherited for when we do have kids. I'd rather take it with us now than try to move it later or rather than have to buy new furniture when the time comes. We will have to store our stuff for at least a month but hopefully not a whole lot longer than that. Trying to wait to take it when we come for Jonathan and Rebecca's wedding in June just wouldn't really be feasible. I think my mom will be thankful to be rid of the rest of my stuff, anyway. Also, if we didn't take both vehicles, Nate and I would probably have a difficult time getting to work as we are not likely to be able to commute together like the arrangement we had when I worked in Jonesville.

Chapter 3: Moving and Not Looking Back

"The hardest part of moving forward is not looking back." - Felicity

I believe that quote with all my heart. It's so easy to doubt a decision you make once you've made it. Skepticism creeps in so easily. Nate's mom, Polly, told us about the December 25, 2010 (yes, that's Christmas Day) entry in Our Daily Bread, the famous daily devotional. It amazes me that a message so poignant would be on just the perfect day. Please take a minute to read it here. It's really short, I promise. :o) I especially love the quote they included from Oswald Chambers, "

Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading."

Also, Pastor Robert of Gateway Church said something the weekend we were in Texas that really hit home to us, "I know some of you are going through difficult times, but God would like to birth a miracle in your situation–in your Bethlehem–He wants to birth a miracle in the problems you have right now." I feel like He really did.

I hope you will continue to read our blog and to follow us on our journey as we start this adventure in Texas. We will miss all our friends, family, and colleagues in Michigan more than they will ever know, but we know that we are doing the right thing for our lives.

Texas: The Prequel

This story feels so long to me that it feels like I'm writing a book series. So I'm just going to use novel terminology. Bear with me. Or don't. You can skip to the end if you want. :o)

Chapter 1: The Smallest One

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." - Galadriel, Lord of the Rings

Several months ago, some time in May, I received a phone call from my brother. After several minutes of small talk, he eventually asked me if I would design a mural for him. It was an out-of-the-blue request, even coming from him, but it was also his creative, roundabout way of telling me they were going to have a baby. Of course, I squealed with delight just bursting for them to make it public on Facebook so I could feel free to tell all my friends that I was going to be an aunt. (I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews, who are children of Nate's stepsister. I love them dearly and wish I could spend more time with them, but somehow it's different that my brother is starting a family.)

Fast forward a few months to my forced parting with my former place of employment. (Read about it here.) Also, I filed for unemployment with the stupid State of Michigan, who can't make up their minds what they are going to do. I qualified, didn't qualify, they filed my claim with the wrong business, they wrote me a letter saying they had erred, and then told me I qualified again. It's been ridiculously frustrating. After almost four months of dealing with them, I still haven't received one single check. Coincidentally, my brother is still receiving bills that he hasn't paid MI income tax for me working for him, though he ceased employing me July 2009. You'd think being one of the states with the worst economies, probably the worst, that they would be more careful about sort of thing if for no other reason than out of necessity. So no thanks to the State of Michigan, things were looking grim for us, financially. I did end up going with my mom to Texas, to paint the mural in August (just after I quit my job), but I didn't see how I was going to be able to afford to visit again after the baby was born.

Well, with Baby Wills (gender unknown) being due the first week of December, the Wills family decided to travel to Texas for Christmas. Nate and I spend every other Christmas with my family and then with his family on the alternating years. This year was our year to spend it with his family, and even with a new niece/nephew coming, it was important to me to honor that. There was going to be no way we could go. I was now out of a job, and finances were going to be super-tight for Christmas. Well, Nate and I talked about it a lot. I wanted to go meet my niece/nephew more than anything. We budgeted the cost of the trip, factored in Nate's unused week of paid vacation, and with a little extra help from Christmas gift money received early, we planned to go to Texas for a week. It worked because we planned to be back in time for Christmas to spend the holiday with his family.

It turned out that Baby Wills, Elanor Grace (named after her maternal great-great- grandmother Elnora and her paternal great-grandmother Grace Arlene, and spelled Elanor after Samwise Gamgee's daughter in the Lord of the Rings), was born two weeks early: November 22, 2010. This worked out beautifully for us, as had she been born on her due date, her grandmother (Valerie's mom) would have been staying with them, and we would have had to pay for a hotel room for a few nights. As it happened, Valerie's mom came early and left before we arrived. That was a huge blessing for us.

It was absolutely wonderful to see my brother, sister-in-law, and Baby Ellie. See pictures here. She was so tiny and so precious. She pretty much stole my heart before she was even born, but when I met her, words can't even describe the joy I felt holding her. I mean, she isn't my child, but I just felt this huge love for her. We had a very enjoyable trip and a wonderful Christmas. We enjoyed the warm weather and relaxed. But I would be remiss if I said that's all that happened.

Chapter 2: Our Position

"There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right...." - Martin Luther

During our recent trip to Texas, our lives were forever changed. That sounds cliche, but really, they were. I have to be honest. Really honest. Times have been tough – very tough for us. It's not an unusual story for a newlywed couple living in the State of Michigan. We have college loans and vehicle loans that aren't going to disappear on their own (but I'm proud to say we have ZERO credit card debit...and always will). And we want to start a family someday...but as each day, week, and month passes, we are in no way closer to being financially ready for that.

[PAUSE FOR RANT]

Okay, so I've been told more times than I can count that if we are waiting to be financially stable before we start a family that we will be waiting forever. While I understand what these information-bearers mean by this, I cannot agree that it applies to us right now. Of course it takes a huge amount of money to raise a child, but I don't think people seriously understand how important it is for us to do so after we are mostly out of debt, not while we are wallowing in it. Besides that, we're fairly sure we want to have our future child(ren) in a birthing center and not a hospital. Most insurance companies do not cover births in birthing centers, which means we would have to come up with the money ourselves. I am not really willing to sacrifice that desire just because it costs more money than the alternative. I am willing to wait until we have a more secure financial situation.

[END RANT]

Nate and I just felt stuck. When we got married, we thought we would be able to rent our current house (from family) for a few years and be able to start saving up money to afford a deposit on our own home. Two and a half years later, we are in the same situation we were in when we got married...no closer to having even a penny extra for a house downpayment. We so looked forward to our week in Texas to just get away from everything for awhile. In fact, we actually asked for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University for Christmas. There are a people who have a lot more debt than we do, but then they probably make a lot more money than we do, too. We are thankful for what we have, but we so desire to be in a position of financial peace.

Chapter 3: The Smallest Decisions

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can pretty much change your life forever." - Felicity

As do many married couples, Andrew and Valerie have this awesome tradition of going on dates weekly with each other. Nate and I do as well. On our second day there, they asked if we would babysit Ellie for an hour or two so they could go out for dinner. We promptly agreed. Ellie was a bit fussy that night. Nate and I had an awkward time managing her and trying to get dinner around for ourselves. Looking back, it's actually kind of funny. At some point in the evening, probably after we finally got her bottle heated up, I said to Nate, "Wouldn't it be great if we lived closer so we could babysit her all the time?" We both kind of laughed about it.

Then Andrew and Valerie came home. I finally got Ellie to sleep and was holding her when they sat down and asked if they could talk to us. They told us that they felt really strongly that Valerie should return to work after her 12 weeks of maternity leave. Valerie absolutely loves her job - it's her calling, and she's very good at it. They had been praying for a long, long time about what to do with Ellie when the maternity leave was up. They felt God was telling them that Valerie should go back to work, but to not worry about what to do with Ellie. They looked at several daycare centers, but nothing felt "right." While they were out at dinner, they talked it over and it occurred to them, what about Laura? They knew a lot about our financial situation, and it just dawned on them that they should hire me to provide full time care for Ellie. They offered me a job paying equal to the job I just got hired for and sort of just started in Quincy.

Nate and I were shocked. Of course, Andrew has been bugging me for years to move near him...to Texas. Since we were teenagers, we decided we wanted to live within close proximity to one another so that our kids could grow up knowing their aunts and uncles. We sort of wished we'd had that in our own lives, but we never really had the chance to know my dad's siblings very well and my mom is an only child. But Texas?

Chapter 4: Our Reactions: But Texas?!?

"Things happen to us, but it's our reactions that matter." -Felicity

It's too hot in Texas. I like seasons and I like snow (for brief amounts of time) and I don't like 115 degrees in the summer!

They live in a suburb of Dallas, and I don't like HUGE cities. I like medium-sized cities that have a small town atmosphere while still having a variety of stores and activities and culture like the big cities. Dallas is the 9th largest city in the United States. It's the third largest city in Texas, after Houston and San Antonio. If you combine Dallas and Fort Worth, which really are twin cities, they create the 5th largest city in the United States, right under New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Houston. So, it's a crazy-big city!

Texas is too far from our families. We want to live within a reasonable day of driving from our families and from anywhere we would ever want to drive. For us, that's mid-central-eastern US. We like Tennessee, Kentucky, and North Carolina, for starters. They have the climate and the driving distance we really want. You can get just about anywhere (besides out West) in 8-10 hours. Dallas is NOT any 8-10 hour drive. It's 18-19 hours!

The traffic. I really don't think that needs any explanation.

But even with all of those strikes against it, Andrew asked us to prayerfully consider it but asked us to give them our answer before we went home to Michigan. We agreed. Through the course of my life, I have told God many times that I'll go wherever He wants me to go, whether it is my ideal place or not. Afterall, I moved to Michigan 9 and a half years ago with a similar mindset as I now have about Texas. I knew that this could be no different. If God wanted us to move to Texas, we'd move. If not, we'd stay in Michigan. So with that, Nate and I began praying. We went out for lunch the next day to discuss our options. For several days, we prayed and talked and weighed our options. We were nervously excited that we were even considering such a move.

We attended two services at Andrew and Valerie's church, Gateway Church, in Southlake (another suburb of Dallas), Texas. I was pleasantly surprised at how apparent it was that God was using this church in a major way. I was definitely skeptical as megachurches have a reputation for being impersonal and lacking spiritual depth. This was not so! Sometime over the course of the weekend, we felt very strongly that this was where God wanted us to be. When we pictured ourselves living in Texas, it just felt so right. Never have I felt so strongly that God was asking me to do something (well, besides quitting my job), as I did over those few days. Nate and I were in 100% agreement. He was maybe even more sure about it than I was when we came to the decision. The only thing that was holding me back even at the very end was that Nate didn't have a job. While I was all for embarking on an exciting adventure, the practical side of me was telling me how risky this was...to move without us both having a job.

But I knew that was the faith aspect of this decision, while we initially had all of those strikes against moving to Texas, all of the signs were pointing to YES, TEXAS.

Some Very Random Bits About Me

I am a last minute packer. Always. No matter how stressed out I get because of this poor planning and procrastination and no matter how many times I swear I'll never do it again, it never fails that I find myself staying up extra late or scurrying around extra early in the morning to pack for the next trip. And by last minute, I mean I sometimes literally start packing an hour or two before departure time. I have no idea how I pull this off, but I do.

Sometimes I dress like an adult. Sometimes I dress like a teenager.* And sometimes I dress like a college student. It's true. I love to be a girly girl, and I love dress up. But, as much a fashion disaster as it might be, I still wear t-shirts and hoodies more than I care to admit.

On that note, I would never call myself a tomboy, but I am not afraid to get dirty (as seen in my 4 summers working as a wrangler at a horse camp). However, I hate to stay dirty. Eww. Even ask my mom. "Sure, I'll go play in the sandbox or go swimming in the lake as long as I can shower afterwards." "Mommy, can I help you weed the flowerbed?" 5 minutes later: "Mommy, can I go wash my hands?"

Every time I wrap a present, for Christmas or for any other occasion, I instantly think of my grandmother. Beginning at a young age, she was the one who taught me how to properly wrap a gift. And now, I have become a great present-wrapper. With every fold of the paper, every placement of the tape, and every curl of the ribbon, I smile fondly thinking of her, the dear woman who patiently helped me wrap every present, except hers, of course, for Christmas. I am my grandmother's granddaughter – perfectionist to the last, well except the cutting. I've never been an ace of . . . scissors. (It was the one category in which I received a "needs improvement" mark in kindergarten. End pity party.) But my GramE. taught me how to cover that little fault up pretty easily.

Okay, so you can't really see any of my fine paper folding, ribbon curling skills in this photo, but I like this picture. Just go with it. Also, I designed those Christmas tags last year. I love them. And really, that's all that matters. Am I right? And no, I didn't just say something self-conceited** about gift-giving at Christmas.

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*Or at least I must dress like a teenager, with as often as people underestimate my age. I do oftentimes shop in the Juniors section in stores, but that is usually because the clearance tends to have much better deals than the clearance in Misses. It's been awhile since I've shopped it though. I can't stand most of the now popular 80s style clothes found in Juniors. While I was born in the 80s, I have no desire to dress like a character from "Saved by the Bell", thank you very much.

**self-conceited – adjective (of a person) – excessively proud of oneself; vain, whilst simultaneously lacking consideration for others. Okay, so it's not in the dictionary. It's a term my brother and I made up a few years back for someone who is both selfish AND conceited, as though they aren't synonyms. I know, we're so clever, aren't we?

Couponing Lesson Learned

Well, I learned my lesson. At least, I HOPE I did. The sales I shop are Sunday-Saturday, and I waited until Saturday night to go shopping. STUPID. So, so stupid. First of all, the sale price tags were already removed as the employees were putting up this week's sale already. Secondly, the stores were completely out of many of the items I wanted to purchase.

I got a $22.00 purchase down to $5, but really it should have been even better. I SHOULD have gotten $10 back in +UP rewards. It's too long and complicated and well, boring to relay here, but they were out of the product for which they were offering the $5 in +UP rewards. I had attempted to purchase two of said item, which would have been an awesome deal. I think I learned my lesson. I will now go Mondays or Tuesdays to do my shopping. I did my coupon clipping and ad-to-coupon matching last night and it doesn't appear there are as many good deals as there were last week, not to mention that I'm going to have to do it without the $10 in +UP rewards that I should have received. Bah humbug.

In other news, it's laundry day. I will have to write a post on the details of my laundry system. I am not afraid to admit that I have some OCD tendencies, and well, I LOVE my laundry system. :o)

Rite Aid Lesson Learned

Well, I learned my lesson. At least, I HOPE I did. The sales I shop are Sunday-Saturday, and I waited until Saturday night to go shopping. STUPID. So, so stupid. First of all, the sale price tags were already removed as the employees were putting up this week's sale already. Secondly, the stores were completely out of the items I wanted to purchase.

I got a $22.00 purchase down to $5, but really it should have been even better. I SHOULD have gotten $10 back in UP rewards. It's too long and complicated and well, boring to relay here, but I think I learned my lesson. I will now go Mondays or Tuesdays to do my shopping.

A Confession of My Own

I recently read the confession of a friend of mine about how connected she feels to people she doesn't really know because of blogging. I can so relate. Countless times I have found myself telling Nate about people who have so willingly opened their lives on a blog that I feel like I know. If you don't blog or read other blogs, you probably can't really understand that. I know of people who feel a similar connection when watching certain reality television.

Now I have a confession of my own. I don't have very many friends I spend time with in real life. I still have my very best friend, Laura. We talk almost every week via text, phone, a few times a year in person, Facebook, email...you know. We still have a very strong friendship...but she lives 2+ hours away. Some of my other college friends that I would consider my "close" friends I see about once a year or so and we keep in touch much the same way. But since all of my friends live AT LEAST an hour away from me, I don't see people as often as I would like. We have zero friends at our church, and there is no one we spend time with on the weekends besides family. I love spending time with our families, but it would be nice to have some other friends in our town to socialize with. So, I have somehow subconsciously resorted to making friends on the Internet.

Before you go thinking that I'm off on some weird site meeting strange people in strange ways, no. I am just finding that I'm becoming friends with people who I used to think of as acquaintances. I probably friended them on Facebook because I knew who they were, not that we were really close. And I'm SO thankful I did. At the risk of sounding really cheesy, I want to mention a few of those people who probably mean more to me than they realize.

Angie

We were classmates in high school, but we probably never really even had a conversation then. We are both pretty good friends with my brother's fiance, and thus, we have begun talking a lot more. I talk to her almost daily, and I really love it. I enjoy hearing about her life, reading her blog, and watching her son (and soon-to-be daughter, too) grow up. We are both bridesmaids in Becka and Jonathan's wedding, and so we've had a few opportunities to see each other in real life, too. I feel like we are becoming friends on our own, and I've loved that. Without the Internet, it never would have happened.

Katie

We were also classmates for a year in high school, but since we were in the same grade, we had a bit more interaction than I did with Angie. That year, I was super quiet and not very social. At all. Looking back, I am pretty sure I was going through some sort of depression. I'll have to write another blog about that another time, but suffice it to say that I didn't get to know any of my classmates very well. Even if I had, I don't think Katie and I would have had that much in common then. Not that we weren't friendly, but we just didn't have had much to talk about. Now thanks to Facebook and the blogging world, I read Katie's blog daily, and I comment on it almost as often. I designed her logo for her Katie the Frugal Lady blog. She has awesome tips on couponing, which I love, but more than that, I've loved the feeling that I'm getting to know her better. She lives in California, so we definitely don't see each other in person ever. But like with Angie, I love watching her son grow up and hearing about her struggles and triumphs. The-learning-how-to-save-more-money part is more of a bonus.

Danielle

I can't believe I almost forgot to write about Danielle as well! Through Facebook, I've gotten to see Danielle's beautiful photography. She really has a natural talent. I wanted to start the tradition of getting our family's picture taken yearly, and Danielle has been our photographer the past two years. She does an awesome job. We've begun a working relationship with each other, which I've loved. We spur each other on in our own creative enterprises, mine with graphic design and her with photography. I've designed several things for her, and she tells people about me. I've had several customers come to me saying they heard about me from Danielle. It's been fantastic. But other than that, I've loved getting to know her personally, watching her go through all of life's ups and downs and always seeming to have a smile on her face. I'm continuing to pray for her pregnancy. I know she will make a wonderful mother. :o)

Amy

I've gotten to know Amy because, well, our husbands are best friends. They certainly don't see each other as much as they'd like, but I hope that in some small way, we can help them feel more connected. I always find myself telling Nate about what's going on with Amy and Brian's cats and ask him if he's seen pictures of their new house. Amy followed along with my crazy ventures at my former work. She loved hearing about the "crazy conspiracy theorist guy" who used to come in our office and tell us some of the strangest things I've ever heard. I used to find myself relaying them on Facebook just for her benefit. I think Amy and Brian and Nate and I would spend more time together if they also did not live 2+ hours away. I think it's high time we planned to meet up with them again.

So to those four ladies especially, I appreciate you! (Although Katie and Danielle might hate me now after reading my previous blog entry.) :o)

On The Facebook Trend

This is not meant as a judgment on anyone, but I need to rant. Every once in awhile, it becomes trendy on Facebook to change your profile picture to something or other. About a year ago, people changed their profile pictures to their doppelgänger. Another time, former fans of the Pokemon craze of the late 90s early 2000s changed their picture to their favorite Pokemon character. Those are all in fun, and that's fine. Facebook is a social network, as everyone knows, and if people want to do that they can.

But the new current trend kind of bothers me. "In support of prevention of Violence Against Children, change your Facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday, no human faces on Facebook, but rather an invasion of memories."

Does that strike anyone else as well, ridiculous? I can understand spreading awareness about a certain cause, but changing your profile picture to a cartoon character does not accomplish this. People will comment, "oh I loved that show" to which a person might reply, "oh, I know, I watched it every day." End of story. No one will say, "Yeah, doesn't it make you think of the horrible violence against children that occurs every day? We should donate money to [insert name of cause] to ensure that all kids can grow up with memories of watching cartoons like we did."

It's just silly. If I want to change my profile picture to a cartoon just for fun, fine. But having a cartoon as my profile picture doesn't support anyone or anything other than well maybe reminding people of a cartoon show they used to like and causing them to add it to their Christmas wish list.

Something similar was popular on Facebook a while back too that also struck me as equally ridiculous. "Paste this as your status if you are against AIDS." To say that you are against something implies that other people might be "for" it. Is anyone really "pro-AIDS"? No. Of course not. Those types of statuses are nothing more than chain mail, in my opinion. If you want people to know you stand for something, just "like" that cause on Facebook and people will see it. But don't like it to ease your conscience or to make you look good or because everyone else is. If you really care about the cause, support it financially or volunteer with it.

So anyway, I just had to rant.

Learning the Art of Couponing

So, at the beginning of November, I began a new venture. With our financial situation, specifically with me working mostly from home now, it became crucial that we cut our expenses wherever possible. We already do not get cable/satellite TV nor do we have a landline phone. Back in March, I found the least expensive cell phone service with the best reception possible, and we cut our bill from about $109 (with no texting in the plans) to $75. (I have 1000 texts and 1000 minutes per month - I've only used up my minutes before the end of the month once. Nate has unlimited texts and minutes. If we both had my plan, it would be as low as $60 for both our cell phones. :o)) Since our rent is already so low (we rent a two bedroom cottage for $300 a month!), moving wouldn't exactly help to lower expenses. We do have two vehicle payments and have seriously considered selling our truck. But, after looking at those bigger expense-cutting decisions, we needed to try to trim elsewhere. We are being even more conscientious of our energy consumption, trying to remember to use as few lights as possible, turning lights off when we leave rooms, etc.

However, I discovered the easiest place to trim is the grocery bill. I started following a blog of my friend, Katie the Frugal Lady, where she gives tips on the art of couponing as well as how to sign up for freebies. The goal of couponing is to match multiple coupons for the same product with sale prices in stores. I didn't know this before, but you can use a manufacturer coupon AND a store coupon ($1 0ff a specific product for use at Rite Aid only, for example) for the same single item!

What kind of deals can you get? One of the big rules I've learned is to actually read ads before/while you make your shopping list. I read Meijer's ad for the week of Thanksgiving and discovered that Meijer was doubling coupons $.50 and under that week! I eagerly flipped through my coupon binder to see if I had any under $.50 that I could match with sales to get good deals. Since I did my shopping yesterday, the last day of the sale, I didn't take full advantage of Meijer's coupon doubling special. However, I would like to highlight one example of an item I got 47% off.

MEIJER

Aunt Millie's 100% Whole Grain English Muffins

Regular Price: $2.49

On Sale For: 2/$4.00

(At Meijer, when they have items 2 for $4.00, 5 for $5.00, or a similar type of pricing, you do not have to buy two or five to get that price. You can buy just 1 item for $2.00 or whatever the sale is. For example, Pace Salsa is almost always on sale for 2 for $4.00. My husband LOVES salsa, so we go through A LOT. Sometimes I buy one ($2) and sometimes I get two ($4). The price is the same regardless.)

I had a coupon for $.35 off any Aunt Millie's Whole Grain product. (Don't know where I got it.)

Meijer doubled the coupon and took another $.35 off.

I paid $1.30 for the Aunt Millie's 100% Whole Grain English Muffins.

I hope to learn how to lower that even more, but I was pretty excited! I used to just buy the cheapest product, usually Meijer brand, but we all know that whole grain products are never the cheapest. So, I really ended up with a healthier product for less money than the cheapest Meijer brand version that I usually buy.

RITE AID

I have only done two of what Katie calls "heists" at Rite Aid. The first time I was told that I could not use two coupons for the same item. At the time, I did not have the coupon policy printed, so I could do nothing but accept what the cashier told me. However, the second time I went, I had the coupon policy just in case, but the cashier did not question it! So exciting. I am not going to explain how to do everything because Katie does that so well already. I am just going to explain what I did on my last trip so you can see that it works for other people besides Katie! :o) *Please note that you must have a FREE Wellness+ Rewards Card to get many of these prices.

2 - Hershey Milk Chocolate XL Bars (for my Christmas baking) - $1 each - $2

3 - 100 ct. clear Christmas lights (which we needed - I price compared at Meijer and Walmart for a like product. Meijer was selling them for $2.17 and Walmart for $2.27 per 100 ct. strand) $1.88 each - $5.64

2 - Fleece 50'x60' Blankets (price compared at Walmart - $5 each there!) $1.99 each - $3.98

1 - Total Advanced Clean Toothpaste (4 oz.) - on sale for $1.77 each

2 - Holiday M&M's 9-12 oz bags (for my holiday baking) - 2/$4

3 - Christmas Wrapping Paper - B1G2 Free (I accidentally bought a larger roll than I intended for my paid one, but I liked the print on the paper, so I didn't return it, plus I needed it to "pad my purchase" to get it up to $20) - $3.99 total

Before coupons:

Subtotal: $21.38

Tax: $1.28

Total: $22.66

Used my $4 off a $20 purchase coupon FIRST - dropped total to: $17.38

Used $1.00 off Rite Aid Video Values Colgate Total product coupon - $16.38

Used $0.75 off manufacturer's Colgate Total product coupon - $15.63

(I paid $.02 for a tube of toothpaste, people!!!!)

$2.99 +UP from a previous purchase - $12.64

Subtotal: $12.64

Tax: $0.76

Total: $13.40

Plus I walked away with $6 in +UP rewards to use on a future purchase.

I received $36.67 worth of merchandise for $13.40!

If I did my math correctly, that's $63% off! I didn't buy anything I wouldn't have already bought/didn't need for Christmas baking, gifts, etc. Oh, and I'm also returning one of the strands of lights because it was shorting out and I had one too many strands for my tree anyway, so knock another $2 bucks off my total. :o)

GROCERY EXPENSE LOG

In order to discern how much we have actually been spending on groceries in order to accurately assess whether we are saving more money or not, I had collected all of our grocery-related receipts from January to now, and have kept them in a folder in our filing cabinet. For our budget, I had been guesstimating our grocery expenses at about $125-150 per month. I recently discovered we had actually been spending an average of $195.50 per month! For two people, I think this is ridiculously high. I now have a "Grocery Expense Log" where I record the date, the store, the total bill, the savings, and the out-of-pocket expense. I also keep a running total for each month. It sounds like a lot of extra work, but after the initial setup, it really isn't. Also, since this is a grocery/household expense list, I try to either keep extra purchases separate (ring them up separately or subtract them from the total bill) so that we don't have gift purchases, etc. mixed in with our grocery bill as that would obviously affect the total.

I have only been keeping the "Grocery Expense Log" for a month now. I knew going into this that you don't notice the lowered expenses immediately because you are buying more than you normally would (due to stockpiling). For example, I don't drink coffee. Nate does. I bought two large 34 oz Folger's coffee B1G1 Free for $11.99. I also had $1 off coupon. So, for $10.99, he has coffee to last him for months (ideally). I hope to be able to lower this by using multiple coupons when it is on sale again, but you get the idea. It's a lot to add to our bill for the month, but since I won't have to buy coffee again for a long, long time, it will save me in future months.

Our bill for October (the month before I started couponing) was $210.67. Yep, kinda high.

For November (I am done grocery shopping for the month), our grocery bill is $182.41. It's lower, but not by much. We shall see what December holds.

Birth of Ellie

The waiting was awful. I've never been so anxious about a baby's birth in my life. My brother and sister-in-law called yesterday (Sunday, November 21) in the afternoon to tell us that Valerie was in labor, and that they were getting ready to leave for the birthing center pretty soon.

I just about squealed on the phone, "Ohmigosh, are you serious?"

Valerie and Andrew laughed, "That was a GREAT reaction!"

Later in the afternoon, I had the opportunity to talk to them via conference call with my mom, dad, Gram E., and my little brother, Jonathan.

Every so often, Andrew would send a mass text message on the status of the labor. I was sure the baby would be born in the wee hours of the morning. Things seemed to have been moving so fast. But alas, when I awoke, no news. For twelve hours the only message I had was that labor was hard, Valerie was exhausted, and that the baby had not turned. I prayed and tried not to worry. If you know me, the trying-not-to-worry part was less than successful.

Finally, Andrew texted that all were doing well and that they were all exhausted. But still no other information. We had to read between the lines that the baby had been born. Ugh, men! I am partially joking about the gender stereotype, but that was just frustrating. We knew they had been through a lot, but we were sitting on the edge of our chairs emotionally with a text that provided no relief of our worries: "Please do not worry. All three are healthy. Valerie and I have not slept and are extremely exhausted and on bedrest. We are happy to call and share the news after some rest. Thanks. We love you all."

*sigh* At the time, it was good to know they were okay but really hard to hear so little. It was so awful to be 1,100 miles away from family through things like this. Andrew finally called at 6:15 pm to tell me that the baby had been born at 9 am, a beautiful, red-haired, baby girl named Ellie.

Vote November 2, 2010

Don't forget to vote on Tuesday, November 2, 2010! Voting is so important, but whew, I'll be so glad when I stop receiving so much political mail!

And continue to pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8 :o)

10 Tips to Simpler Living

I was recently looking through the July/August 2009 issue of Relevant magazine. I came across this list: 10 Tips to Simpler Living. I found some really great insight. Simple, but inspiring. will summarize them here, if only for future reference for me.

10 Tips to Simpler Living

1. List what is important to you. Spending time with your family? Volunteering? After identifying your truest priorities, think of ways you can bring how you live into closer alignment with your values.

2. Make a budget. Get an idea of how much you are really earning & really spending. You worked hard to earn that money; are you spending it in ways that fulfill you? *Am I spending more than I earn?

3. Start small! You've probably spend a good portion of your life acquiring the clutter that surrounds you; don't expect to purge it all at once! Try clearing out a drawer a day.

4. Take a time inventory. Make a list: in one column, put things that are uplifting; in the other, put those that well, aren't. Brainstorm ways to move the second column into the proverbial recycling bin.

5. Get a little less connected. Constantly checking your email and keeping your cell phone on at all times keeps you in a continual state of alert--code for stressed out. Be inaccessible for a little time each day.

6. Get out. Take a little time every day--for gardening, a hike, even a simple walk around your neighborhood--to remove yourself from the rat race. It will do wonders for getting you out of the consumerist mentality and in touch with your deeper self.

7. Ease up on the boob tube. Commercials drive consumerism: Have you ever seen an ad that say, "You have enough already"? Didn't think so.

8. Change your mindset. If you worry that doing without something will make you feel deprived, notice the feeling of empowerment that comes with deciding to make that change. Apply this idea to little things, then watch more things seem possible.

9. Shift your assumptions about living frugally. Thinking up ways to get by on less can be fun and creative--and help on the eco front. Apply "reduce, reuse, recycle" to other things: using less shampoo, buying dry goods in bulk, using cloth napkins, etc.

10. Lose the impulse. When you see something you want to buy, stop yourself. Take a day to think about whether you truly need it. If you realize you really do want it, then buying it will be all the sweeter, knowing that it's a conscious decision.

I've found some of these are much harder than others! I know I need to be reminded of these on a regular basis! :o)

The Germans Are Coming :: An Odd Thing to Pretend

This post was originally written and posted to Notes on my Facebook profile. I am merging my notes and the blog and added this post to the blog on February 5, 2011.

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So it's Sportsman's Weekend at Somerset Beach Campground. I was walking along in the west campground, minding my own business, when I saw a group of boys playing. It was a typical scene: they were running across the road and hiding behind trees: no big deal, although there was notably gunfire in the background from hunters practicing at the gun range. All of the sudden, I heard a boy shout, "THE GERMANS ARE COMING! THE GERMANS ARE COMING!" What the heck? I turned around and noticed a little boy wearing his bike helmet and crouched behind the embankment by the road.

They were playing World War Two!

At first, I couldn't decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Initially, I thought it was kind of morbid and depressing. But as I've thought about it, I've decided that I'm glad they have the education, that they know about World War II. Maybe someone they look up to, their grandpa, perhaps, fought in World War II, and they were playacting because they wanted to be like him. That's so great. Veterans are heroes, and it's awesome to see little boys view them that way, whether or not they realize it. Albeit a strange thing for little boys to be pretending, I think it's healthy. It's like cops and robbers or cowboys and Indians. Some moms of boys have told me that they didn't want their boys playing with pretend guns and wouldn't let them have toy guns as children, but it didn't matter. They used sticks or their fingers with rubber bands as pretend guns. Boys will be boys. Their sons are grown now, and none the worse for it.

I think it's kind of great. Just as long as they realize real guns aren't toys . . . and that they don't grow up with a stereotype against Germans. :oP

I Can't Believe I Quit My Job

I did it. I quit my job. I had many, many, too-numerous-to-mention reasons, but I am no longer employed there. I have never done something like this before. I quit a job without giving two weeks notice. I even wrote up a formal notice when I quit McDonald's, for heaven's sake. I never do things like this. It is completely irresponsible to quit a job without having another job to start. I've been taught this from day one. I know that you should not allow yourself to be between jobs unless you are fired and can then get unemployment. But I did it.

I have been praying about this, considering it, discussing it with my husband for seven months. Seven months!!! It wasn't something I did on a whim. I have been looking for another job just to have a steady income so that I could quit, but nothing came through. Finally my employer basically gave me no other choice, and I felt like it was like God was smacking me in the back of the head, saying, "Laura, I have told you for seven months to trust me. I will provide for you. If you have faith in me and trust in the skills and abilities I have given you, I will make your dreams come true." As we were walking into Meijer last night, I told Nate that. Well, minus the God-smacking-me-in-the-back-of-the-head part. We prayed about it. We read God's Word. We consulted those around us whose opinions we value most especially in this matter: my mom, Nate's mom, Nate's dad, Mike, and Laura. All of them told us variations of the same thing. The behavior of my employer was intolerable, and I needed to give them an ultimatum. Nate and I agreed that this was the right and necessary next step for me. I confronted them in the way I knew I could handle and they would handle best. I emailed them. This way, I would have a written record of our conversation if the need arose. I was also able to carefully consider every word, being sure to say what I meant and not say things I didn't mean out of anger. I sent it last night. I tossed and turned all night. I didn't sleep a wink over 4 hours all night. I had this nasty, queazy feeling in my gut. This morning, I received a reply of apology and a request for me to stay on if they made the situation right. I replied with appreciation but said no. I have this amazing peace about it now. I might even be able to arrange for them to outsource work to me. Which would be a steady income. And I'd get to work from home still. Amazing. Thank you, Jesus.

My goal for the next week is to trim down our expenses and come up with a proper business plan. I've also applied at places like McDonald's and Kohl's. I'm not above doing what has to be done in order to make ends meet and to pursue this. We don't make very much money as it is, but finally have some savings and I know we can do this. I am a talent designer. I know this to be true. Now I just have to tell the world that I am and that I'm affordable and for hire! I found this quote by Oprah Winfrey, "Devote today to something so daring even you can 't believe you 're doing it." I'd say this qualifies! I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it on.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." - American Proverb

Empathizing with the Pain of Loss

One aspect of my personality is empathy, which gives me a strong desire to feel the pain of others and somehow try to ease that pain. Usually its pain I've never even experienced in my own life. Other times, its pain I know only too well. Sometimes it makes me a softy. Sometimes it means I cry during movies when things happen to fictional characters or people I don't even know. I'm such a Golden Retriever, it's not even funny.

In the past few years, I have had several friends experience miscarriage. On Monday, I just found out another friend was going through it. As someone who has not yet become a parent, I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, let alone one in the womb. The "Why me, God?" questions must be so difficult to face, especially when the miscarriage occurs after so many people knew you were pregnant...to have to face people and tell them you lost the baby. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. The desire to curl up, hide from society, and become numb would be so strong for me.

I recently heard this song, by Natalie Grant called "Held." It's by no means a new song - it came out in 2005 - and though I've heard it many times before, only recently did I actually listen to the lyrics and look them up. I nearly balled my eyes out. Had I not been at work, I probably would have.

Held

by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little / They let him go / They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence / Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling / Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and / Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us / Who have died to live, it's unfair

:: Chorus ::
This is what it means to be held / How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive / This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell / We'd be held

This hand is bitterness / We want to taste it and / Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly / To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]

:: Bridge ::
If hope is born of suffering / If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour / Watching for our Savior

[Chorus]
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know / That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held / This is what it means to be held.....

How perfect. How it must break the heart of God when these terrible sorts of things happen to people. Many people ask why bad things happen to good people. I always think that is such a crazy question. I'm non-confrontational, so I never say anything. But really. What is the definition of a good person anyway? We're all sinners, those who are in Christ and those who are not, have all fallen short of the glory of God. It says so in the Bible. Even people who don't believe that know that no one is perfect. We're saved because of what He did, not because we believe in Him and are somehow magically turned into "good people." The promise was not that bad things wouldn't happen to us anymore. As the song says, "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held."

I read or heard somewhere, though I can't for the life of me remember where, of a Christian couple who had a baby girl who was born somehow handicapped. I don't remember the specifics. They went through the "why us, God?" questions and eventually gained what I think is an awesome perspective. What if there were a total percentage of babies that had to be born handicapped? What if God gave that to you to bear in order to spare from someone else? If you knew there had to be a total number distributed between all mankind from now to the end of time, as a believer, would you not volunteer for the job? This couple took on this perspective. The fact that they were given a baby that they had the financial, spiritual, and physical ability to care for became a blessing. God gave her to them to take care of her instead of someone else.

I think the same thing could apply to miscarriages or really any pain we experience that we deem unfair. Not to diminish the pain felt, but to gain a new perspective on it. What if there were a total number of miscarriages that had to happen throughout time? What if God gave it to you to bear rather than to someone He knew would not be able to carry the burden or endure the grief. The Bible doesn't actually say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." Sometimes He does allow you to be in situations that you don't think you can handle, but in reality, those are the times He wants you to rely on Him to carry you. If He didn't let those sorts of things happen to you, you'd think you handled everything in your own strength. Why would you even need Him? Really, isn't that what the Bible is saying in Psalm 71:20-21? "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Also, Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

It probably seems easy for me to say. I've never actually experienced great pain in loss. Sure I've lost loved ones, actually only once, but there's a world of difference between losing an 80 year old grandfather and losing a child. I was VERY close to my grandpa, and oftentimes now, I will find myself thinking about him and how much I miss the presence of such a wonderful man of God who without a doubt loved me and my family with a Christ-like love. I don't think that pain can even compare to the grief of losing a child who had been growing inside of you. I only know from what I've heard, the strong bond between a mother and a child, especially in the womb. Even though I may never know this pain, I try to empathize anyway and my heart just breaks for people going through something like this. I mean for most people, a funeral helps bring closure to the grief they experience, but there is no funeral for a miscarried baby. No real closure. So, I pray for them. I try to encourage them and be there for them. I pray for them some more. I thank God for his blessings. I see the strength in these women (and their families) and am actually encouraged by them. I hope and pray that if I'm ever in their situation or even a similar one, that I will exhibit the same strength and reliance on God that I see in them. And maybe I'll look back on this post and be reminded of God's promises.