Beyond "Fine"

I try not to get too personal on a public blog, but I'm going to risk being a little transparent today. As I mentioned on my last blog post, my husband lost his full time job, and I lost 1.5 of my 3 very part time jobs. People continue to show concern for us and keep asking us how we are doing, and my answer is usually "fine" because I don't feel like rehashing and bursting into tears every time someone asks. So, this blog is an attempt to answer that question more fully.

First of all, I feel that we were incredibly blessed to be a part of Inflammable. Nate was given an opportunity early on in the company to learn as he worked, which is not something he would likely have been able to do working for any other company in the IT field. We are so thankful to God and to my brother, especially, for giving this opportunity to us. I know Nate worked very hard to earn the trust they placed in him, and knowing him, I have to believe he earned it. People who know Nate and have worked with him know that he is a very hard worker. I'm beyond proud of him.

The unfortunate flip-side of the blessing of Nate learning as he worked is this: the knowledge Nate has is so very specialized, he is not as hire-able or employable as we would like. If you are not familiar with the field of IT, this means that he is extremely well-versed in one small area of the field and his knowledge of the rest is rather limited. It's like a high school physics teacher being asked to teach fourth grade. He just isn't qualified to do that. He can freaking "teach physics" but if there is nobody looking to hire a "physics teacher" and everyone wants a "fourth grade teacher", he just isn't super employable right now. So, in a way, we are back at square one when it comes to applying for new jobs. All is not hopeless, though, and I fully believe good will come of this. The last two years have not been in vain, and God will use this situation to his glory. Who knows? Maybe he will be rehired again in a few weeks and all of this will have been a giant uncertain vacation from work. Or maybe this is the beginning of a long arduous period of patience and trust. We shall see.

Secondly, to continue answering the "how are you doing" question, we are learning a lot about trust. This element is seemingly more complex than we initially expected. Like I mentioned in my previous post, the reasons for the closing of the company are a combination of things we know and can't talk about as well as a great many things we don't know about. That being said, it's understandable that there is an element of trusting in the unknown decisions of others, which we are learning is an incredibly difficult position to be put in. That's where we are right now. It's complex because we do trust the leadership of Inflammable, very much. If we didn't fully trust them and God, we would be much more angry and would definitely be feeling bitterness in the wake of this tragedy. We do not blame them at all nor do we feel bitterness, but we still are feeling grief and hurt. The hurt was inadvertent, of course, but it was still hurt.

I imagine it's like being a passenger on a car (well, more likely a bus with 30 other passengers) that is involved in a collision with another vehicle. You aren't driving the bus or making the decisions. You probably are minding your own business and not paying attention to the bad decisions of the cars around you. When the bus you are in gets hit and totaled and you wind up injured and in the hospital, you are still hurt, even though you knew the bus driver personally and trusted him to give you safe passage. In this instance, the driver came out of the crash with minor personal injuries, but had to deal with the loss of their property, the insurance claims, the emotional trauma of being responsible for a great many other lives, and the heartache of the injury to the passengers in the bus accident that he didn't cause but still feels responsible for. But we, as the injured passengers, have a road of recovery ahead of us. We placed our trust in an employer, just like anyone does at any job, and when it closed, that trust was broken and that left us feeling hurt. So these past few days, that injury hurts. It just does. We know that wound will heal, but right now, it just hurts. And that's okay.

Thirdly and lastly (for now), we are learning about thankfulness. Every year for the past several years, I participated in the 30 Days of Thankfulness posts on Facebook. I will likely sound like a hipster when I say I was doing it before it was cool, but since my college friends and I really did have Facebook accounts before it was cool, I guess it's okay. :) Anyway, I once heard the quote that there is always something to be thankful for, and we are learning one day at a time, what that means for us right now.

We have said over and over that we are thankful for God bringing Dave Ramsey and FPU into our lives at a time when we had hit a financial rock bottom and were receptive to it. But I am also thankful for a spouse (eww, I hate that word...it rhymes with blouse, and those words just sound gross) er, husband who was as open to it as I am and who I can fully trust to communicate with me on financial matters. We have been a fairly open book about our finances because we hope God can (bahaha, can? Of course He can.) will use our experience to help others as well as to serve as accountability for us. Now that we have this other gaping emotional wound, it would be easy for us to give up on our budgeting and say it was all for nothing, but that would be a lie. It has been a huge blessing. We would have almost $500 in extra bills per month that we would be wondering how we were going to be able to pay. Instead, we have rent, cost of living expenses (food, gas, phones, etc.), utilities, and one single debt left to pay. All of our other expenses that we regularly budget for can be cut right out until we have jobs. Even though our rent is a doozy and it would be wonderful to live in a paid for house, the rest of it is a huge relief. We do still have that one last debt, so we aren't yet on Baby Step 3. Baby Step 3 exists for such a time as this, and the peace we would have with that fully funded emergency fund of 3-6 months of expenses, if we were on that step, would be incredible. That's why Baby Step 3 is part of the plan...because job lay offs happen. We keep trying to remind ourselves that this too shall pass and that one day, we will be there. And we will.

We are also thankful for this time we have been given to be together. With all of my whining and complaining over the past few years about being apart while Nate traveled and then again while he worked nights, I never would have wished for a job lay off just so that we could have more time together. But sometimes, you've got to roll with the punches. And we're trying to do just that by enjoying the quality time. My top love language is quality time (my second, if you are curious, is words of affirmation). So I'm getting a rather heavy dose of quality time all at once. We had some Groupon credit at a local movie theater, so today we took advantage of that and went to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. I'm soooo glad we saved that credit because there is no way we would spend any of our precious money to go see a movie right now, and it was just what the doctor ordered. I know it hasn't received the best reviews, but I loved it. Legolas is my favorite Lord of the Rings character, though I do really like all of the characters, and he had a larger part in this movie than he did in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I would totally recommend it so long as you know they added filler because they had too much content for two movies but not enough for three. Also, the end is kind of a cliffhanger, and we have to wait a whole year to see the resolution. So you need to keep that in mind. Anyway, it was a welcome distraction from this past week of stress.

Another thing for which we are thankful actually hits on the aforementioned integrity of the leadership of Inflammable, and that is that when Nate received his final paycheck, they paid him for the rest of his paid vacation days that he was going to be taking next week. We never in a million years expected them to do that, even though to some that might have been a given, and we are overwhelmed beyond measure and filled with gratitude for that extra almost two weeks worth of hours we never would have expected them to pay him for.

In closing, this last week has been filled with waves of stress and calm, but I have to be honest and say the last two days have been the hardest. Just like with any situation that requires grief and healing, we have gone through periods of frustration, stress, anger, peace, sadness, feeling sick, etc. Nate and I aren't alone in this, yet we are in a unique situation. We would love for you to continue to keep us in your prayers.

El Fin: An Abrupt End to 2013 and To This Chapter of Our Lives

Well, I've been meaning to start blogging again, but I never intended it to resume like this. It is with a very heavy heart that I share that as of yesterday, Nate, my brother, sister-in-law, several friends, and dozens of other employees I don't actually know, lost their jobs when Inflammable, my brother's company, was forced to close its doors. There are many reasons for the closing, some of which I don't even know and none of which I can elaborate about on this public blog, but I will say that my brother and the board of directors of the company are not at fault and did everything in their power to avoid this. There was just no other choice. Rather than ask all the "why" questions that everyone naturally wants to ask but which aren't ever really helpful or very comforting anyway, I would prefer to dwell on the memories, both good and bad, to process and grieve the loss of something we all held so dear, and to focus on our next steps.

It's still surreal. I remember when Inflammable was a brand new idea. Back in 2008, my brother and his best friend, Joshua, hired me to design a logo for "Inflammable." (In fact, I still have my idea sketches, all the early rough drafts, and all of the various versions saved on my computer.) To my knowledge, Andrew was the only employee for a long time. Then fast forward about 5 years, when Nate and I went on a road trip to help Andrew land a client, and then, just like that, Nate was hired full time by Inflammable. Andrew was also now at Inflammable full time, and he couldn't hire employees fast enough. Joshua and his family moved down here a few months later when he was hired on full time. The company grew like crazy, and it was exciting. Some people worried it would grow faster than it should and that would be its downfall, but it wasn't. We knew God was blessing Inflammable for whatever reason, and it was amazing to watch.

Nate traveled a lot for about a year, and we were apart SO MUCH. It was difficult, but we knew he was gaining some amazing job experience. It helped to know that it was helping us pay off our debt as fast as possible (we became big Dave Ramsey fans in case you missed that memo). We knew the separation wouldn't last forever. Then he transitioned to a local position at the company but had to work nights. I HATED that. He actually rather enjoyed the work, but I thought it was almost worse than when he traveled because even when he was off, he was sleeping when I was awake and vice versa. We hardly saw each other. But, it was more job experience that we knew would make Nate more valuable to the company and to future employers, so we hung in there. I would have expected Nate to work there another 10 years at least, but that was not to be so.

Soon Inflammable had the biggest suite in the office building. I never could get used to seeing that logo I designed so many years prior on the giant sign out in front of this super tall office building. They asked me to clean some of the offices for them, which I definitely had the experience to do after having cleaned at Somerset Beach Campground several years ago. :) If you would have told me that the last time I was there to clean would, in fact, be the last time I would ever clean for Inflammable, I wouldn't have believed you.

The staff Christmas party was scheduled to be less than a week from today, and we were so excited that there were going to be so many employees and their FAMILIES there. Last year, there were probably about 20 in attendance which included employees and their spouses, but the Christmas party the year before that was attended by just Andrew, Valerie, Ellie, Nate, me, and one other employee. That's it - six, including the baby! No one else worked there yet. So this year was going to be the biggest yet with probably 30 families attending, if I had to guess, and Valerie worked so hard to plan it for us. I suppose some of us could go out for dinner anyway, but none of us feels much like celebrating now.

It's hard to remember all of these little things that are now gone, but it's also important to note that when I say "the company closed", it's not as black and white as it sounds. It's not so easy to dismiss as tossing away a bit of junk mail. There were real people and real life was happening under the name Inflammable. There were so many hard days of work and so many wonderful ones that I don't even know about since I wasn't even technically an employee, but these are just the instances I witnessed and remember - both the good and the difficult ones. Inflammable wasn't our company, I mean Nate and I weren't the owners, but we felt so proud of this company since both of us were involved to some degree even from early on. I was, and still am, so proud of what my brother, sister-in-law, and Joshua did with that company. Excuse the cliche, but they poured their heart and soul into growing this company, and they did a dang fine job of it, too.

It's just so hard to say goodbye.
I can't believe that all of that is gone and this phase is over. 

So, now we are left to pick up the pieces. Nate and I have been through unemployment before, but never both of us at the same time. As I mentioned, I used to clean for Inflammable as well as babysit a few days a week so that Valerie could do HR, so this means that we no longer have that income either. I do not know what we would do if we hadn't started budgeting like Dave Ramsey suggests and if we hadn't taken FPU and started the debt snowball. I'm not going to get on my soapbox about it right now, but we only have one additional debt payment next to our Four Walls: rent, utilities, transportation, and food. I wish we had our fully funded emergency fund in place of 3-6 months expenses so that we didn't have to cancel our Netflix, cable, and all of those extra unnecessary things, but I am so thankful that we are where we are financially. It's going to be a stressful time regardless, but we are able to keep our wits about us and construct a plan while we navigate these waves of grief and various other emotions. I'm thankful that I have a whole month or so of safety (because of our baby emergency fund and our budgeting) before I really start to freak out. :D And an extra month is plenty of time to find at least a basic job, or so we hope. *fingers crossed*

So, if you would, please be in prayer for my brother and his family, Joshua and his family, my family, as well as all of the other employees. None of us ever expected to go into Christmas unemployed. Please pray that everyone is able to make a smooth and swift transition to wherever they are to be employed next and that all of us would have peace that God knows the future and that there is always hope.

Also, thanks for all of you who venture over to my rarely updated blog. I will try to make sure the next time I post, it won't be quite so catastrophic or newsy. ;)

Death at Downton

*Warning: This post talks vaguely about the concept of characters dying on the TV show Downton Abbey from Seasons 1-3. There are no spoilers, I promise.*

Downton Abbey. I started watching this TV show about a year ago at the recommendation of a friend. Season 1 was on Netflix, and right away, I fell in love with the quality and the detail and the costumes and the stories. I didn't love the characters, not at first, but I learned to love all of their little quirks, well, except for the characters I loved to hate. I also wasn't particularly drawn to the time period, but I so love historical fiction that I found it fascinating anyway. To me, the show was about the house and the people that happened to live in it. People would come and go, the house would be altered, but in the end, if the walls could talk, Downton Abbey would tell these stories.

It didn't take long for me to notice that time skipped ahead very quickly as the show went along, and each season of 7-8 episodes covered about 3 years. The family and staff dealt with major issues of the time period and national and world events, and it was written and filmed in such a way that it wasn't hard to follow or stay interested because you noticed the costumes, hairstyles, and other things changing from one episode to the next. As I watched Season 2 and later, Season 3, I had already decided that if I wasn't emotionally detached from the characters, I would later be devastated. I knew they would have to start "killing off" the current generation of characters soon, simply because time had progressed, characters had aged, and potentially actors would want to move on from the show. In addition, death is a natural part of life, and people in history seemed to have to deal with the loss of loved ones a lot more often than we do now. I knew that to be true, and if Downton is to portray an accurate representation of history, I figured the characters would eventually experience it. And they do. I quickly learned to love the show without minding what happened to anyone in it...that is, except my personal favorite character, well, characters . . . John Bates and Anna . . . and of course the Dowager Countess.

I suppose the show hasn't struck others in the same way. I've been told that Downton is a soap opera. Well, soap opera or not, life happens. People die and some move in and out of our lives. It doesn't feel like a stretch to me when and if it happens on a TV show. Just this month, I had two people I know pass away. One died quite suddenly at a young age and the other died suddenly as well, but of old age as she was 96. To have people die on a fictional show is sad too, albeit in a superficial way seeing as the characters aren't real. But because it happens more often on a show than we would like it too doesn't make it terrible writing, especially considering the time period. I know dozens of stories in my family history when someone died suddenly or unexpectedly. To me, it's life.

That being said, the only character on Downton that I actually expect to die soon is the one I can't imagine the show without: the Dowager Countess. The show is great on its own merit, but her personality and wit take it to a new level of excellence. I am afraid the fact that her character was quite old already (when the show began), it would be a stretch for her to live much longer. This makes me sad. I fear the show will lose ratings and popularity when they lose her unless they are able to replace her with someone of equal caliber. I hope they can as I should love to see what happens to Downton in many more seasons and in later decades.

Holy Yoga

I just attended a Holy Yoga class at a nearby church. I first heard of Holy Yoga from another blog I well, used to read. Anyway, I know Christians are really weird about yoga. A lot of people think that just because it is part of a mystical, eastern religion that it's somehow inherently "bad" itself. A Christian singer that I follow on Twitter and Facebook posted recently (about a year ago) about how she was so stiff and she needed to do yoga, and people totally FREAKED OUT. I felt so sorry for her that as part of being in the public eye that she had to stand up to such scrutiny. from. other. Christians. Oy.

My opinion, in a nutshell, is that yoga, like anything else, is more about how you do something than what you do. Attending church and having your heart not in it is an example. Another is money. Money isn't good or bad itself, but how it is used can be good or bad. Yoga is just a fantastic form of stretching and exercise, and it so happens to lend itself well to meditation. Meditating on the Bible is, well, scriptural. It's not evil or creepy or mystical. My advice? If doing yoga, meditating on Scripture, and praying in a public setting is uncomfortable to you, then don't do it. If doing the above together in one setting sounds fantastic to you, like it did to me, try Holy Yoga.

Ok I will get off my little soapbox now. I don't want to offend anyone, but since this is my blog, I figured I should probably explain what I believe and people can take it or leave it. :o)

My sister-in-law and I really enjoyed it, but we can't go regularly because we work on Friday and Saturday mornings when the classes are. I am hoping that we can get a Gateway Pink group to pick it up and offer it more times in the week because I'd love to attend all the time. I am definitely needing to be more flexible. But I felt so fabulous when we were done. A great way to start the weekend, for sure.

Like No One Else

I just discovered some sound, inspirational quotes I copied back in March 2010, about two years before we actually got serious about this problem. We had just bought the book 365 Ways to Live Cheap[ly]. I think we maybe, kinda, sorta thought getting out of debt was a good idea to do maybe, kinda, sorta some day, but we didn't have a plan or any knowledge about how to practically do that. So thankful that now we do.

I had written: "May we live our lives differently, within our means, to be a testament to ourselves, to others, and to our future children about how to handle our money in order to have a secure financial future. May we use or finances to the glory of God." I'm pretty sure that was my pre-Dave Ramsey way of saying, "May we live like no one else so later we can LIVE like no one else!"
___________________________________________________

When advised to budget, most people respond: “But I just don’t have enough money.” In fact, most of these individuals have a lot more money than they think; they just lack control of it. Making more money is not the answer. The sad truth is that if you’re out of control, no matter how much money you earn, you can figure out a way to spend it. … Bad budgetary habits, when applied to twice as much money, simply create twice as much havoc. – Unknown (I would add that sometimes when the income is around or below poverty level that income is part of the problem.)

But the thing is, [debt] is worse than obesity, because this is a problem that you can hide. It’s a problem that you can deny that you have. You can have a big fat lifestyle, and you can pretend you’re making a lot of money because you can just finance it and pretend that you’re going to pay for it tomorrow. So who needs this diet? Anybody who is not saving anything, anybody who is living paycheck to paycheck, anybody who is fighting with their spouse about money, and anybody who wants a better financial future tomorrow. — Jean Chatzky, as told on Oprah

The problem with Americans is that they act and spend as if they are rich before they actually ARE rich. — Economist interviewed in Kiplinger’s Personal Finance

All By Myself...

My husband is leaving in seven hours and thirty-two minutes. For two weeks. Ten days, to be more precise, but for all practical purposes, two weeks. He'll come home for four days and then leave again. And this 10 days gone, 4 days home, 10 days gone, 4 days home, 10 days gone cycle will continue pretty much indefinitely. And I support him and our decision to do this 100%, but that doesn't make saying goodbye much easier. I usually don't like to post my raw, unedited, emotional thoughts on my blog, but today, it just seems the right way to express my current feelings.

I know I should feel blessed that my husband has a job, a very good job, that so far he really enjoys. I know I should feel thankful that I am married to a hard-working man who is so committed to providing for us. I know I should be glad he isn't in the military and that we won't be separated for months on end. I know I should be reminding myself that this is temporary. I know I should appreciate these things, and I do. I really do.

But right now, it hurts. Right now, I don't care if I sound like a big, whiny baby. I don't want him to be gone for two weeks, and I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be away from him for even one night. I know what it's like when half of me is in another state in a hotel and I'm...here. I know my identity is not so tied to him that I'm not my own person, but being separated still feels...wrong. And I hate it.

We will be okay. Rest assured. I know the absence will make our hearts grow fonder, and I know we can see each other via FaceTime almost every night...which will be the best part of our days. I will keep reminding myself that this is temporary. He won't be doing this traveling gig forever. Our best estimate is that he'll be doing it for two years. And having an end date (no matter how accurate it is) totally helps. Because if I thought for a second that he would be gone every two weeks for the next thirty years, I would not be able to let him go.

We can do this. I can do this. My days will be busy and full of spending time caring for my niece. Some will fly and others will drag. I will feel independent and bold some days and timid and scared on other days. I will have girls' nights and my Financial Peace class. I will have Pinterest and movies and crafting and blogging and designing. I will have church and Jesus.

But it will still be hard.
I'm not ready, and I never will be. But I will be okay.
____________________________________________

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." - Psalm 121:1-2 NIV (emphasis added by me)

I lift my eyes up unto the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth

Oh how I need You, Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life

– "I Lift My Eyes Up", Strong Tower, Kutless

Black, White, & Red All Over - Part 1

Original title, I know. ;o) I couldn't think of anything more fitting, though.

I LOVE my red, black, and white bathroom, but it has been hard to find bathroom decor in those colors. I chose red, black, and white after having seen a collection by Candie's at Kohl's in late 2007/early 2008. I never did actually buy anything from that collection, but I did like it. Since Nate really loves red, it was a perfect choice for us.

Annnnnnnyway. The bathroom has been like 95% done (as far as decorating and tweaking) for a few months now. Most of it has just been moved from our old house. But each room always seems to have a few things in limbo because of craft projects I want to do. I found this link on Pinterest for one of the last two things I wanted to make to finish it. Click [this link] to see the other project I made to finish my bathroom.

It's a mason jar match container. I love the versatility of mason jars in decorating. They just make everything look cooler. This is perfect for our bathroom as we like to use matches for a more natural air freshener. The reason for this is mostly that spray fragrances have bothered my allergies in the past and only seem to attempt to cover an odor rather than do away with it altogether, and besides, matches are cheaper. We all know how much I like cheaper!

It is not my intention to replace the tutorial(s) that already exist by other bloggers, but I did learn some things that I thought were worth sharing.

Mason Jar Match Container

Need: 

Strike Anywhere Matches  

Small Mason Jar with Ring/Seal - clean (8 oz. jar, but any jar large enough for matches is fine.)

Sandpaper - black (I am fairly sure any grit will work, but I used 400. Nope. Find something that's more coarse. After doing this project, I discovered 400 was too fine.)

Hot Glue

Glue Gun

Scissors

Do:

1. Round up your stuff. This is the hardest, and I found it to be the most time-consuming part of the whole project. I already had a jar (with lid) that was formerly the home of a Bath and Body Works candle that had been used up. It is probably a 6 or 8 oz. jar and is a little more squatty than your typical jelly mason jar. So for me, that part was free! The sandpaper was kind of pricey as I limited myself to black to go with my bathroom. I only used a fraction of the package though, so overall, not a bad deal. I also already had the hot glue/glue gun and scissors.

2. Hunt down strike anywhere matches. This was so difficult that it gets its own step. I first checked my local Walmart, Target, Dollar Tree, Hobby Lobby, and Lowe's. Come to find out, they ALL sell matches but NONE of them sell strike anywhere matches, at least not in my area. You must use the strike anywhere variety as the regular strike-on-the-box type does not work. Trust me, I tried it. ;o)

I did a lot of searching online to see if they even still made these matches, and apparently they do. It seems they are common for people who do a lot of camping. Some Walmarts carry them in the grocery section (which is helpful to note which departments to search) as do some Lowe's. If you are looking for matches, the most likely sections are the barbeque/fireplace/grilling section which is probably part of a store's seasonal department, but they are also usually found in the kitchen section and occasionally with candles (though not usually). 

There are all sorts of these matches on eBay for around $4 a box of 300 including shipping, but that was a bit more than I wanted to spend. I found a hint that they were sold at Ace Hardware as well as camping supply stores. So, I found my nearest Ace, asked an employee, and was out the door with them for $2 in under 5 minutes. Great experience, and I would definitely check your local Ace first if you can. They really are "the helpful place." Haha.

3. Remove the seal part of the lid from the jar and trace it on the back of a piece of sandpaper. Cut it out. Hot glue the sandpaper to the ring and then to the seal, making sure to press the sandpaper flat inside. I have found that when I need to replace the used sandpaper, it's pretty easy to pull the hot glue from the seal and ring.

4. Insert matches. You're done! It's that easy.

It's been fun to scrape up cute stuff for our bathroom, but now it is finally DONE. Now that it's finished, I need to take pictures to show the finished product.