All By Myself...

My husband is leaving in seven hours and thirty-two minutes. For two weeks. Ten days, to be more precise, but for all practical purposes, two weeks. He'll come home for four days and then leave again. And this 10 days gone, 4 days home, 10 days gone, 4 days home, 10 days gone cycle will continue pretty much indefinitely. And I support him and our decision to do this 100%, but that doesn't make saying goodbye much easier. I usually don't like to post my raw, unedited, emotional thoughts on my blog, but today, it just seems the right way to express my current feelings.

I know I should feel blessed that my husband has a job, a very good job, that so far he really enjoys. I know I should feel thankful that I am married to a hard-working man who is so committed to providing for us. I know I should be glad he isn't in the military and that we won't be separated for months on end. I know I should be reminding myself that this is temporary. I know I should appreciate these things, and I do. I really do.

But right now, it hurts. Right now, I don't care if I sound like a big, whiny baby. I don't want him to be gone for two weeks, and I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be away from him for even one night. I know what it's like when half of me is in another state in a hotel and I'm...here. I know my identity is not so tied to him that I'm not my own person, but being separated still feels...wrong. And I hate it.

We will be okay. Rest assured. I know the absence will make our hearts grow fonder, and I know we can see each other via FaceTime almost every night...which will be the best part of our days. I will keep reminding myself that this is temporary. He won't be doing this traveling gig forever. Our best estimate is that he'll be doing it for two years. And having an end date (no matter how accurate it is) totally helps. Because if I thought for a second that he would be gone every two weeks for the next thirty years, I would not be able to let him go.

We can do this. I can do this. My days will be busy and full of spending time caring for my niece. Some will fly and others will drag. I will feel independent and bold some days and timid and scared on other days. I will have girls' nights and my Financial Peace class. I will have Pinterest and movies and crafting and blogging and designing. I will have church and Jesus.

But it will still be hard.
I'm not ready, and I never will be. But I will be okay.
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"I lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." - Psalm 121:1-2 NIV (emphasis added by me)

I lift my eyes up unto the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth

Oh how I need You, Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life

– "I Lift My Eyes Up", Strong Tower, Kutless