I Can't Believe I Quit My Job

I did it. I quit my job. I had many, many, too-numerous-to-mention reasons, but I am no longer employed there. I have never done something like this before. I quit a job without giving two weeks notice. I even wrote up a formal notice when I quit McDonald's, for heaven's sake. I never do things like this. It is completely irresponsible to quit a job without having another job to start. I've been taught this from day one. I know that you should not allow yourself to be between jobs unless you are fired and can then get unemployment. But I did it.

I have been praying about this, considering it, discussing it with my husband for seven months. Seven months!!! It wasn't something I did on a whim. I have been looking for another job just to have a steady income so that I could quit, but nothing came through. Finally my employer basically gave me no other choice, and I felt like it was like God was smacking me in the back of the head, saying, "Laura, I have told you for seven months to trust me. I will provide for you. If you have faith in me and trust in the skills and abilities I have given you, I will make your dreams come true." As we were walking into Meijer last night, I told Nate that. Well, minus the God-smacking-me-in-the-back-of-the-head part. We prayed about it. We read God's Word. We consulted those around us whose opinions we value most especially in this matter: my mom, Nate's mom, Nate's dad, Mike, and Laura. All of them told us variations of the same thing. The behavior of my employer was intolerable, and I needed to give them an ultimatum. Nate and I agreed that this was the right and necessary next step for me. I confronted them in the way I knew I could handle and they would handle best. I emailed them. This way, I would have a written record of our conversation if the need arose. I was also able to carefully consider every word, being sure to say what I meant and not say things I didn't mean out of anger. I sent it last night. I tossed and turned all night. I didn't sleep a wink over 4 hours all night. I had this nasty, queazy feeling in my gut. This morning, I received a reply of apology and a request for me to stay on if they made the situation right. I replied with appreciation but said no. I have this amazing peace about it now. I might even be able to arrange for them to outsource work to me. Which would be a steady income. And I'd get to work from home still. Amazing. Thank you, Jesus.

My goal for the next week is to trim down our expenses and come up with a proper business plan. I've also applied at places like McDonald's and Kohl's. I'm not above doing what has to be done in order to make ends meet and to pursue this. We don't make very much money as it is, but finally have some savings and I know we can do this. I am a talent designer. I know this to be true. Now I just have to tell the world that I am and that I'm affordable and for hire! I found this quote by Oprah Winfrey, "Devote today to something so daring even you can 't believe you 're doing it." I'd say this qualifies! I'm ready for the challenge. Bring it on.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." - American Proverb

Empathizing with the Pain of Loss

One aspect of my personality is empathy, which gives me a strong desire to feel the pain of others and somehow try to ease that pain. Usually its pain I've never even experienced in my own life. Other times, its pain I know only too well. Sometimes it makes me a softy. Sometimes it means I cry during movies when things happen to fictional characters or people I don't even know. I'm such a Golden Retriever, it's not even funny.

In the past few years, I have had several friends experience miscarriage. On Monday, I just found out another friend was going through it. As someone who has not yet become a parent, I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, let alone one in the womb. The "Why me, God?" questions must be so difficult to face, especially when the miscarriage occurs after so many people knew you were pregnant...to have to face people and tell them you lost the baby. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. The desire to curl up, hide from society, and become numb would be so strong for me.

I recently heard this song, by Natalie Grant called "Held." It's by no means a new song - it came out in 2005 - and though I've heard it many times before, only recently did I actually listen to the lyrics and look them up. I nearly balled my eyes out. Had I not been at work, I probably would have.

Held

by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little / They let him go / They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence / Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling / Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and / Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us / Who have died to live, it's unfair

:: Chorus ::
This is what it means to be held / How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive / This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell / We'd be held

This hand is bitterness / We want to taste it and / Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly / To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]

:: Bridge ::
If hope is born of suffering / If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour / Watching for our Savior

[Chorus]
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know / That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held / This is what it means to be held.....

How perfect. How it must break the heart of God when these terrible sorts of things happen to people. Many people ask why bad things happen to good people. I always think that is such a crazy question. I'm non-confrontational, so I never say anything. But really. What is the definition of a good person anyway? We're all sinners, those who are in Christ and those who are not, have all fallen short of the glory of God. It says so in the Bible. Even people who don't believe that know that no one is perfect. We're saved because of what He did, not because we believe in Him and are somehow magically turned into "good people." The promise was not that bad things wouldn't happen to us anymore. As the song says, "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held."

I read or heard somewhere, though I can't for the life of me remember where, of a Christian couple who had a baby girl who was born somehow handicapped. I don't remember the specifics. They went through the "why us, God?" questions and eventually gained what I think is an awesome perspective. What if there were a total percentage of babies that had to be born handicapped? What if God gave that to you to bear in order to spare from someone else? If you knew there had to be a total number distributed between all mankind from now to the end of time, as a believer, would you not volunteer for the job? This couple took on this perspective. The fact that they were given a baby that they had the financial, spiritual, and physical ability to care for became a blessing. God gave her to them to take care of her instead of someone else.

I think the same thing could apply to miscarriages or really any pain we experience that we deem unfair. Not to diminish the pain felt, but to gain a new perspective on it. What if there were a total number of miscarriages that had to happen throughout time? What if God gave it to you to bear rather than to someone He knew would not be able to carry the burden or endure the grief. The Bible doesn't actually say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." Sometimes He does allow you to be in situations that you don't think you can handle, but in reality, those are the times He wants you to rely on Him to carry you. If He didn't let those sorts of things happen to you, you'd think you handled everything in your own strength. Why would you even need Him? Really, isn't that what the Bible is saying in Psalm 71:20-21? "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Also, Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

It probably seems easy for me to say. I've never actually experienced great pain in loss. Sure I've lost loved ones, actually only once, but there's a world of difference between losing an 80 year old grandfather and losing a child. I was VERY close to my grandpa, and oftentimes now, I will find myself thinking about him and how much I miss the presence of such a wonderful man of God who without a doubt loved me and my family with a Christ-like love. I don't think that pain can even compare to the grief of losing a child who had been growing inside of you. I only know from what I've heard, the strong bond between a mother and a child, especially in the womb. Even though I may never know this pain, I try to empathize anyway and my heart just breaks for people going through something like this. I mean for most people, a funeral helps bring closure to the grief they experience, but there is no funeral for a miscarried baby. No real closure. So, I pray for them. I try to encourage them and be there for them. I pray for them some more. I thank God for his blessings. I see the strength in these women (and their families) and am actually encouraged by them. I hope and pray that if I'm ever in their situation or even a similar one, that I will exhibit the same strength and reliance on God that I see in them. And maybe I'll look back on this post and be reminded of God's promises.

Happy Fourth.

I am so slacking on the Blog lately! An quick update on the weightloss:

Nate is maintaining his 175 lbs. I haven't lost any more, but I haven't gained any more either. My goal is to lose about 20 more. I am going to be in two weddings next summer, so I'd like to be smaller by then. End of weight loss update.

Today's the fourth of July. Happy fourth. Anyway, I used to love fireworks, but ever since having a dog who is PETRIFIED of them, I don't so much anymore. He cowers and hides and his little heart beats so hard I'm afraid it's going to come right out of his chest! Hopefully he'll get over it someday.

And I shall leave you with this:

Bad idea for your Fourth of July event: "Come Dressed As Your Favorite Redcoat".

Bahahahaha.